What happened to me?

When I first started this blog I was chatty cathy. I updated like every day it seemed...and now I am lucky if it is once a week. So what happened? Did I all of a sudden become more boring? A little happier maybe that I have nothing to complain about? So weird.

I don't know who, if anyone, reads my blog. And I am ok with that. But if you do, I apologize for not updating more. I live a very boring life....go to work, come home, go to bed, get up & start all over again. *yawn* Trust me...it is dull and nothing to envy. lol. Occasionally, I will go up to the fire station and hang out with the guys up there. I really like doing that. I love my husband and I know he gets sick of me coming up there...I really like going. I have always enjoyed hanging out with guys and being at the station with all guys is very....um...relaxing? I don't know if that is the right word, but they are so care-free. And they love me cause I always bring goodies. I hope they don't get sick of me though. Oh well.

Well, I guess that is all from my boring corner of the world today. Another dull, dull day almost over...just to start it again tomorrow. Fun stuff.

Which path?

I often wonder if the choicese that I have made have been the right ones. I mean, I am happy and the life that I am living now is a good life....but I wonder if I had made different choices how different my life would be? Would karma have led me to the same place that I am now? Would I be married to Jeremy? Would we be living where and how we do now? Who would I be?

Going forward in life, if I am presented with a choice (which is pretty much a daily occurence, right?) how do I know that I am making the right decision? How can I know that I am choosing the right path? There are so many things that I want....that I can't have. For one reason or another there are road blocks. I have such a supportive husband when it comes to things that I want. He doesn't stop me, he doesn't try to convince me otherwise...he just stands next to me and supports me. Maybe it's because he knows that I am stubborn and headstrong and won't change my mind once I have an idea in my head. I can get really obsessive about things. LOL. And he is so wonderful....it amazes me. Some of the conversations we have had...oh dear. The sheer fact that he hasn't packed his stuff and high-tailed it out of town is amazing enough in and of itself. But I love him....and to put up with me and my ideas, he MUST love me.

So how do we know we are choosing the right path? Just close our eyes and jump? Or weigh our options carefully? I have a bad habit of talking & acting before thinking. Quite a downfall most of the time. But other times....I don't know. It is kind of fun. The shock value that it gives some people is priceless.

I hope that I choose the right paths in my life....or least I learn from my mistakes if I choose the wrong ones....

10 random things about me

I've been tagged by Susie to do this - it sounded fun so here goes....

#1 I was born in Iowa and have lived in 5 different states.

#2 I have never been to Disney World/Land, have been to all the Sea Worlds.

#3 I tried to pierce my belly button when I was in college. On my own. OUCH!

#4 I have 2 little brothers and no sisters.

#5 I have never been without an animal in all my 25 years. We have always had some type of animal, usually dogs and/or cats.

#6 I did really really bad academically in college.

#7 I have am a very cheerful person....pretty much always.

#8 I have grown up in the church since my dad is a pastor.

#9 I have never broken anything on my body, but have sprained both ankles, had my apendix and my tonsils removed.

#10 I have never ridden a horse.

I tag anyone who is reading this and has their own blog :)

How well do you know me?

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

My weekend

Well, I went to 2 happy hours this week. The first was Thursday night for a co-workers birthday....we were there, I had one drink and about halfway through the drink I spilled it all over my pants!! Ugh!! So, I had water the rest of the night. The on Friday it was a co-workers last day, so we all went out after work. I managed to NOT spill my drink this time, but did get pretty drunk. I was home and in bed by 9:30pm. Fun Friday night, no doubt. LOL. Then my brother calls at 11pm wanting to know if he can come visit (he lives 2.5 hrs away...) I couldn't say no, but warned him, since he was bringing his girlfriend whom I had never met, that I was pretty drunk. I get up, get out sheets and stuff and blow up the air mattress for him and go back to bed. They get there and I get up say hello and then good night. Great first impression, huh? lol.

Got up on Sat and went looking for a new truck for Jeremy....to no avail. Found nothing. Oh well. Then we went to get new tattoos. Here they are:

Jeremy's is the Kanji symbol for fire (since he is a fireman) surrounded by water:


and mine is the symbol for cheerful:


And then we went to dinner with my brother & his girlfriend. It has been fun meeting her and hangin' with them. Overall, not to shabby of a weekend.

Here are some more pics for ya:
Jeremy & the dogs-


my cousin and my dog (with my brother on the left):


and my silly dog Harley sleeping:

Goodbye Papa

Oh my Papa. What a wonderful man. I can't even begin to describe what type of man he was. Loving, caring, faithful....you name it, he lived it. He was witty and ornery. He served his country faithfully for 20+ yrs and loved his wife for 63 years. In a world where 50% of married couples get divorced, to see two people married for so long and still so in love...is absolutely amazing. He loved his family...loved for us all to be together. He loved God with all his heart and was a devot Christian. He taught us all to follow in the ways of God and to believe and trust in Him for he knows what is best for us.

Papa, I know you are in a better place now. And I know you won't be reading this, but I wanted to tell you that I love you and I will miss you. You were/are a beacon of light to this family. We are better people because we were blessed to not only know you, but be related to you. You touched so many lives and showed so many people the grace of God. Through actions and words, you knew that God could and would work through you if you let Him. Your power of actions and words will live throughout the years....even now that you are gone.

Your family loves you and will miss you terribly. Don't worry about us or about Nana. We will be strong for you...it is what you would have wanted. We will carry you in our thoughts and prayers and lives daily, dear Papa. We will grieve and we will cry...but we know that where you are is the place we will all meet again one day. Until that time, Papa, we will take comfort in knowing that you will always be in our hearts and will be looking out for us from above.

Never have I met a man of your callibur. You are more special that words can give you credit for. I could never begin to express the difference you have made not only in my life but the life of hundreds of other people as well. Thank you for being just a great, great man. You will never know the impact you have made.

I still feel your love all around and I will never lose that. I will always remember your whistles and yoddles, your laugh and that sparkle in your beautiful blue eyes. The hugs that were so warm and the excitement you showed when we were all together. The way you always hugged me and said "I love you babe. I am so glad you are here." Not just words, but true meaning. You never said anything that didn't come from your heart.

Thank you for showing me love. Thanks for showing me Jesus through you. Thanks for showing me what a marriage can be after 63 years. Thank you for giving me my family. But most of all...thanks for being my Papa. I love you with all my heart and will miss you like crazy and will never forget you.

With love I say.....Goodbye, dear Papa.

Let me explain

Without going into too much detail, lemme kind of explain about my last entry. My husband didn't do anything to make me say that boys were stupid. It was, in fact, another boy all together. Someone that I have a mad crush on. And before you freak out, yes my husband knows. He knows about this guy and how I feel about him....I have been perfectly honest about everything with my husband regarding this guy. (And no, nothing happened with this guy....)

This boy did something that irritated me. It just seems stupid that boys can't be friends with girls. I mean, some can...but if they are friends with your husband all of a sudden you are off limits and you can't even be friends. Whatever. :)

So nothing bad happened and my husband did nothing to upset me (this time. lol)....just needed to vent about a boy who shall remain nameless.

I hate boys!!

Why are boys so stupid? Why do they like to play games? It doesn't matter how old they get they are all about playing games. Stupid boys.

Video Photos

Just a little somethin' I put together.

http://media.putfile.com/family-249

http://media.putfile.com/Me--Jeremy41


Ok, I fixed the link. I hope it works now!!!

oh wow

I love my husband. And I think he is super hot.....but DAMN! Some of his firemen buddies? WOW! They are some fine lookin' men! And fun to hang out with as well.

Oohhhhh...they will bless me with pleasant dreams for awhile. LOL

Good news!!

Ok...as some background...I have been trying for a yr & a half now (a little over actually) and i started with the not ovulating and irregular cycles. my gyno put me on clomid to induce Ovulation. well, it worked once. then i got referred to the specialist....they diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on metformin. So.....few months later here we are. Taking met with Clomid.

I went to the RE (specialist) today for a sonogram for my follicle reading thingy. They said that my lining (which I assume to be my uteral lining) was at 10 which they said was good. They looked at my follicles and said that anything between 18 & 25 is good. I had two on my left side at 20 & 18 (with two others at 16 & 14) then on my right side one at 20 & one at 18!

Woooohoooo!! So they gave me a HCG trigger shot to bring on ovulation. They said there is a possibility of multiples with the follicles being that good. Soooooo....I guess we wait and see.

Only drawback is Jeremy is at work tonight so I won't be able to get him to do anything tonight. LOL. But we did yesterday and will again tomorrow, so I think we will be ok.....


Anyway, just wanted to share my excitement!! Maybe my wait is finally over....

I Love my husband!

I know that whole last post was sad and depressing....but I think Jeremy picked up on my saddness and worry-some nature. He got home and was soooo loving and attentive that it just put me over the moon. We were having a moment *ahem* and i was giving him a massage. He asked why I didn't do it more often....I said that I should. I told him that I would do that more often if he would tell me that I was pretty more often. He said that he should. How wonderful. And today...he still just as happy and loving as he was yesterday. I am sure this will wear off sometime...but for right now, it is WONDERFUL!

And I just have to say.....

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!

I need therapy, I think.

I have extremely low self esteem. I have a complex about myself. I don't know where it came from or how I developed it....but it is there. I loathe myself. Loathe---strong word, right? But I do. I like my hair....and my feet. I like that I have a sprinkle of a few freckles on my nose. But that's about it. I think I am fat & ugly & stupid.

I wonder how my husband views me. (or anyone for that matter...but his opinion about me really matters the most to me.) I wonder if he thinks I am pretty....or beautiful...or hot. I know I am not...but I wonder if he thinks so. I know the type of women that he thinks are hot....and I don't really think I hold a candle to them. So why does he stay with me? I mean, I know that it isn't all about looks, but I am by far not the greatest wife on the planet. I have some good points...and I can be on the relatively cool side (I LOVE poker and football for example) but I think he could do better. I think he deserves better. I wonder if I could BE better....for him. But I don't know where to start. I have so many faults that it seems like a really daunting task to make me better.

I have deep fears and worries that I am going to lose him. Or that he will cheat on me. He is very good about holding things close to him. I wonder if he would tell me if he did cheat on me? I hope that he would. I would want to know. Even though it would hurt me...I would want to know. I don't understand where these trust issues come from. As far as I know, he has never done anything to make me not trust him. And I know it all stems back to my self esteem. Why is it so low? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I feel like such a failure and dissapointment to everyone in my life? Where does it come from?

I was raised in a great, loving, caring home. My parents didn't beat me, nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood. And yet there are feelings inside of me that aren't normal. Self hatred, self repulsiveness...you name it--I probably feel it.

I am on an emotional roller coaster right now (husband is out of town & i am on some medicine that really messes with my hormones. lol)....so all this babbling (while totally valid and true) can be blamed on that. I know that Jeremy will read this (if he does) and either a) get annoyed because of my feelings or b) think i am stupid for feeling this way.

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that my husband loves me. Not many guys will be the first to tell his wife that he loves her on the phone or around people...before she says it. And around his guy friends, to boot. I cherish that. I remind myself every day that no matter what fears I have, I KNOW that he loves me. No matter what else he feels about me, I don't doubt the love. Not for a moment.

There are so many things about Jeremy that I love & cherish. I love that he kisses me on the forehead. He has always done that....and it makes me feel so special. I love that he comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. I even love when he gropes me. (And yes, Jeremy, I DO love it. I may act annoyed-and sometimes I am- but I LOVE that you do that...makes me feel wanted.) I love how he does things for me without asking or being told. I love his ambition and his drive. I love his voice. I love the way he loves the dogs. I could go on & on.

I wonder what he loves about me. I wish he would tell me. I wish he would be a little more romantic. (lol) I wish that he would tell me every once and awhile that I was pretty, without me asking if he thinks I am. (I don't ask for him to tell me I am beautiful or hot...I don't believe it...) I just wish he would tell me something about the way he sees me or thinks about me. (In a positive way...not that he worries about my health or my weight or anything...I know all that...) I wish I could get a read on him about what he thinks about having kids. He seems to go back & forth. I know it would be nice if we could pay off bills & buy a house before we have kids....but we are 25. I don't want to wait much longer. I am petrified now that I won't be able to have his children, but by waiting longer....the reality of that fear could be true. But that is a whole story in and of itself. Not just another story, but another fear. I hope he is happy.

A friend & I were talking about relationships & marriages today. She was saying that she doesn't understand women who feel that without their husbands they are nothing. That they can't function or support themselves. I am that woman. I could not survive without my husband. I tried explaining to her (through tears. lol) that it isn't as though I NEED him to survive or that he makes me who I am....but he, for lack of a better term, completes me. I know, I know...corny. But it is true. I am who I am--to a certain point. He completes that person. He adds aspects of me to myself and my life that without him I would not have. (Does that make ANY sense?) So while technically, I think I would be ok without him....I don't want to test that theory. I don't want to think about it cause doing so scares the bejeebies out of me. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't think my friend understood what I was saying....but to me....it makes sense. Jeremy & I make sense. We are who we are....but we are it together. I hope that he looks at our relationship in the same light. I hope that he would feel he was losing a piece of him, a piece of his soul & heart if I was gone.

So see....I need therapy. Lots of issues.

Jeremy, if you read this....I love you with all my heart & soul & everything that I am. I don't doubt you or your love for me. Please don't get angry or annoyed at what I have said...just writing makes me feel better. I know that talking to about it to you gets old-so getting it out here makes me feel a little better. I know that you nor anyone else really understands my feelings. But if you take ANYTHING away from this entry, let it be this: I wish you would share you feelings & thoughts a little more often. Clue me in on a little piece of you. (I know you aren't really a sharing guy and that is fine...just letting you know it would be great if you could. If that makes any sense. lol) I wish you would tell me that I was pretty--at least once in a great while. Or that I look good in something. You used to. I miss that. But most importantly....take this with you. And never, ever, ever forget it. I LOVE YOU! I love you for you...I love you for what you are to me and what you make me. I love you more than life itself and if I had to choose losing you over dying...it would be the latter for sure. Morbid, I know--but you love that about me. Right?

I love you, my love. With every breath that is in me. With every beat of my heart and blink of my eye. Every day that passes that love grows stronger and deeper. I hope that you know that....and I hope the feeling is mutual.

Worst Week Ever

Well, this is officially the worst week of my life....and I still have 2 days left!!

Jeremy is out of town this week. He is down in Louisiana visiting his dad. I hate, hate, HATE him being gone! I talk to him and I cry. I usually wait until we hang up, but I cry EVERY time! Ugh...Sunday can't get here soon enough!!

Well enough of my sob story. I just want my husband to come home. I am nothing without him.

So sad....

Jeremy is leaving town on Monday (and he has to work tomorrow). He is going to Louisiana to visit his dad & go hunting. I am glad that he gets to do this (he has wanted to for a few years)--but I hate being away from him for a week. I know I know....5 days isn't long...but right now, it seems like an eternity! I hope the week goes by fast. Good news is that my mom will be here with me, so I won't be totally alone.

So sad....don't want him to go. Oh well.

A little bit of me

I am...

angry, posessive, jealous, mean, tired, broke, faithful, trusting, door mat, reliable, friendly, outgoing, shy, willing, daring, rebellious, thoughtful, pondering, loving, caring, annoyed, ugly, fat, lazy, dreamer, chatterer, talker, lover, friend, sister, daughter, wife, needy, fearful, creative, fun, scared, shopper, baker, unhappy, smart, dumb, airhead, flirt, sad, unrealistic, optimistic & a sinner.

To my friends who have blogs...

I feel so loved that people leave me comments and are so sweet and loving to me. I know that I do not always leave comments on your site, but I want you to know that I read it EVERY day! I mean it....I look EVERY day to see if they are updated. I love having a little peek into the window of your lives. You entertain me...make me laugh, make me cry...everything. I am so lucky to know you and call you my friends.

Which Disney Princess am I?

You Are Snow White!

Pure and trusting. You are a gentle soul who can get along with just about anyone. Everyone you meet instantly falls in love with you. How can they resist? You have a pure, lovable nature that's irresistable. Just don't trust everyone who comes across your path.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Sometimes it gets to be too much

Wow...has it really been almost a week since I last made an entry? Bad Caryn. lol.

Well, I went this week and got my shot of progesterone. To bring on my period. Fun stuff. PCOS sucks. So, now I wait for my period to start and then get Clomid. Hopefully this will make me ovulate and then I could possibly get pregnant. That would be awesome. However, I realized today (mind you, this is 4 days after getting the painful shot that still hurts like a bitch) that during the time I could be ovulating, Jeremy will be out of town. Maybe...unless I ovulate later...which would be good. Bad planning. It seems like after a year and half (well a year & 7 months to be exact) it just gets to be too much. Like I am destined to never be a parent. Maybe I should just start to accept that and move on.

There ya go...

Well Jess, you asked when I was gonna update my blog. Here ya go. I now have 4 (including this one) new entries. Have fun!! LOL. Love ya, hun!!

The Many Layers of Caryn

I stole this from Sarah (a wonderful friend whom I love!!)

LAYER ONE:

-- Your Name: Caryn Meshell G.
-- Birth date: May 23, 1980
-- Birthplace: Oskaloosa, Iowa
-- Hair Color: brown....dull brown. lol
--Eye color: Brown.....dull brown. lol (although right now, it does have golden blonde highlights in it...)
-- Height: 5'4"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
--Shoe size- 7.5

LAYER TWO:

-- Your heritage: German, Welsh & Indian
-- The shoes you wore today: none for the most part, but threw on some red flip-flops to run to taco bell
-- Your fears: losing my family
-- Goal you would like to achieve: i want to be a mother

LAYER THREE:

-- Your thoughts first waking up: what day is it? (which, if is during the week is closely followed by "son of a -! i have to work today!!)
-- Your best physical feature: probably my hair
-- Your bedtime: normally around 10

LAYER FOUR:

-- Pepsi or Coke: I prefer Dr. Pepper, but if I had to choose....Coke.
-- McDonalds or Burger King: McD's
-- Single or group dates: Depends on the mood
-- Adidas or Nike: Either--whichever is cuter
-- Chocolate or vanilla: mmmmm..probably vanilla
-- Cappuccino or coffee: neither, really.

LAYER FIVE:

-- Smoke: nope...only second hand
-- Cuss: yes
-- Sing: Yes
-- Take a shower everyday: Yes, for the most part
-- Have a crush: Yes, a few
-- Do you think you have been in love: oh yes (if i haven't, my marriage would be in trouble)
-- Want to go to college: yes
-- Like (d) high school: oh yes. it was a great time to socialize.
-- Want to get married: I am married.
--Believe in yourself: sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: yes.
-- Think you are attractive: Nope
-- Think you are a health freak: uh...no
-- Get along with your parent(s): very much so.
-- Like thunderstorms: LOVE them.
-- Play an instrument: nope. well, i used to play the flute in middle school. and i can sit down at a piano with a book in front of me and figure out the song, but i am not that good at it.

LAYER SIX:

In the past month...

-- Drank alcohol: two nights ago.
-- Smoked: no...unless you count second hand
-- Done a drug: nope
-- Gone on a date: Nope....
-- Gone to the mall: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: a whole box? in one sitting? ew, no way. do people actually do that?
-- Eaten sushi: Nope.
-- Been on stage: Nope.
-- Been dumped: Nope.
-- Gone skating: nope
-- Made homemade cookies: No, but i want to every day--just haven't done it.
-- Gone skinny dipping: Nope
-- Dyed your hair: Nope
--Stolen anything: Nope.

LAYER SEVEN:

Ever...

-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh dear me. yes, i have
-- Been caught "doing something": uh-huh.
-- Been called a tease: a few times.
-- Gotten beaten up: not on purpose. lol.
-- Shoplifted: yes.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: not really

LAYER EIGHT:

-- Numbers and Names of Children: none yet.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: i don't know...
-- How do you want to die: happy, with lots of people who miss me.
-- Where you want to go to college: somewhere free
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i don't want to grow up....but i really want to be a mom.
-- What country would you most like to visit: england, ireland, australia

LAYER NINE:

In a guy
-- Best eye color? blue
-- Best hair color? it doesn't really matter
-- Short or long hair: Short
-- Best articles of clothing: for a guy? oh, i don't know. i really like preppy guys, but also don't mind men who have a nice body and show it off (a la wife beaters, lol)--but also firemen in uniform.
-- Best first date location: doesn't really matter
-- Best first kiss location: like a place? um....anywhere is fine. on the body? the lips

LAYER TEN:

--# of people kissed: oh goodness. i have kissed a lot of people.
-- # of drugs taken illegally: none
--# of bf's: 3 or 4...not too many
-- # of people I could trust with my life: my husband, my family...a few friends
-- # of CDs that I own: a lot.
- # of record albums that I own: i don't own any.
--# of piercings: 2...just my ears
-- # of tattoos: just one, which i just got yesterday. (pic is posted below)
-- # of scars on my body: i don't have a count (come on, do people really count their scars? and their cd's? that is silly. no offense sarah, i know you know how many cd's you have. lol)
-- # of things in my past that I regret: don't know the exact number, but there are a few.

Our tattoos

Here is Jeremy's



and here is mine



Mine is the Chi Rho symbol (pronounced kye [rhymes with tie] row) which are the first two letters of the Greek word for Christ (XPICTOC).

Guess what I did today?

Well....yesterday was friday. Pay day. Which means it was happy hour. It was fun...but not as fun as usual. Got really drunk really early, so ended up coming home early. That wasn't fun. Came home, got sick, got cotton mouthed....had some great sex with my husband...and then fell asleep.

Jeremy got a tattoo yesterday. It is a maltese cross (the symbol of the fire department) with water & fire. I was sad that I wasn't there to see him get it. I already had plans and he made the appointment during those plans. Oh well. It is weird to see him with it. I will get used to it, I guess....but it will take time. He loves it though--and that is all that matters. If he is happy, then I am happy. Then today....well....I couldn't let him out do me. So I went to get one. I went all by myself. What a big girl I am. lol.

After I was done, I went to the station to see him. I turned around and said "Looky what I did!" He was surprised. He knew that I would probably get one soon, but never thought I would go by myself.

I got to meet a couple of his firemen buddies. Can I just say that I LOVE being married to a fireman? Men in uniform.....or should I say firemen in uniform.....YUM! lol. They are some nice lookin' men.

Well, I will post pics of our tats tomorrow....when I can find the chord to my camera. Ugh....this is why I hate moving. I lose things.


Oh and Daddy---if you read this---HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I love you so so much!! Without you, I would not be who I am today. You are a great great man. A man of God, a man of honor & wisdom, faith & truth. A family man, a quiet man, a funny man & a sensitive man. If I could have requested a father....I would have asked God for you. I am blessed for knowing you and honored that you are my father. Thanks for being so wonderful. I love you more than life itself. Happy Birthday to a great man, and the best father in the whole world!!!

Argh

Well....I am sick. Again. Joy joy.

This has been a misearble summer for me. I have been sick, hurt, you name it. Absolutely awful.

Oh well.

I have some great friends

I really appreciate each of you for sticking up for me. I really appreciate it. Your comments made me smile--and lol a little. :)

I am not worried about what some anonymous person said to me. I know who I am. I know that I am caring and loving. So piss on them. They are so perfect and wonderful--oh wait....they wouldn't even leave their name. Whatever. Nice, grown person....leaving shallow words for a person they don't even know. Ugh. They really aren't worth my time....but alas, here I am talking about them.

Stupid, crappy people. Except for my friends--who are wonderful and caring and protective. I love you all. Each & everyone of you.

Thank you for being my friend. You mean the world to me. More than you will ever know.

Oh...some people make me laugh

You know...I thought this blog (and other peoples blogs) was a place that I could go and vent about things that bother me or just mindless things that I can ramble on about. I realize that some of the stuff I said about the hurricane victims was a little harsh. But they are MY feelings...MY thoughts. I am not asking anyone else to feel the same way as I am. A person left a comment to that post...they said that I sound like a cruel and uncaring person. Well, I can see how that would be assumed from that post. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am a selfless, caring, heartfelt woman. It is obvious that you (comment-leaver person) really only took that postat face value. I can understand how that would look. However, you must not have read any comments that were left for me. I had a very level headed conversation with someone about other thoughts regarding the hurricane. My comments show that I am willing to see other sides of things. And that I understand some extenuating circumstances.

Well...I have been thinking about it....and I think that I will remove that post. I would hate to offend anyone with my thoughts or feelings about something going on in the world. I will keep in mind that I will need to remain caring and nice about everything & everyone. Nevermind me having opinions. So the post will be removed. Thank you to the kind soul who made me realize the error of my ways.

Sooo tired.

Well...happy hour was last night. And it was happy.....but more happy 6 hours. LOL. I did good though....only had 3 drinks. Paced myself nicely. It was fun. It is a lot of fun hanging out with people from work separate from the work environment. good times.

so my mom read my entry about the hurricane. mom (and dad, if you read it too) i am really sorry about the language. i love you. please forgive me.

ugh...some people infuriate me. i don't understand the games that they play. acting so immature and jerk-ish that it gets annoying. i don't mind some games--some of them, some of the time. but give me a break. there has got to be a point that you say i am such&such age, i should have an ounce of maturity in my somewhere. i am not god's gift to humanity---they should all love me. uh....no thanks. but i still get sucked in. everytime. stupid me.

La ti da

Well...not much going on here. Pretty boring. Too broke to do anything, but nothing to do around here. Sucks. I hate being poor. lol. But payday in 2 days. Woohoo. Happy hour on Friday too. That will be fun.

Well, that is about it. LOL. Really boring time right now. Sorry, I am not more interesting. :)

PS. Sarah--hun, about your previous entry...I COULD help, no doubt in that....but you live soooo far away!! (wink wink)

I just don't understand...

well...I had a really long and opinionated post about the happenings of the hurricane. but as someone so kindly pointed out to me....I am cruel & uncaring. Obviously my opinions don't really matter if they are mean. Not that what i was saying was meant to be mean...but whatever. i will remain from having any opinions about anything at anytime. thank you to the person who so nicely pointed these faults of mine out. i am glad that i have you to rely on.

Oh, and Helen....I had NOT heard anyone blaming gays for this. What the hell?? Where do people come up with this stuff? I know that frustrates you and for that I am sorry. Big Hugs to you, friend. You can take my cue and just shake your head at the stupid people. For they will get no further in their lives than their stupid common sense will take them. (Which will probably just be down the street. lol)

PS. (and off topic) Sarah---I hope that you are feeling better and that every thing is going well. I worry about you. I haven't seen you online in a few days. Be strong and keep smiling. Let me know if you need anything!!

mindless ramble

Well, my bladder infection is gone. Woohoo...although I was bad and didn't finish my prescription. It was making me sick, so I quit.

Took a preg test the other day. Neg. Not surprised, but kind of wishful thinking. Oh well.

Yesterday was mine & jeremy's 4 yr anniversary. My oh my how time goes by. So fast. Seems like we just met.....but nope....4 long years. He had to work, so i didn't see him at all on our anniversary. That's the sucky thing about being married to a fireman. Oh well....what can you do? He loves his job, so I can't complain.

Sooo...Hurricane Katrina hit the south. So so so sad. I feel bad for all those people who are homeless or lost family members...it is just so awful.

well, that is all from my little corner of the world. My thoughts and prayers are with those victims of Katrina.

This sucks

Well...i have a bladder infection. And I know that they are painful, but holy mary mother of God. This one has me doubled over and crying from the pain. Not fun. Makes me not want to go pee...but with a bladder infection you have to go all the time....and most of those times only a trinkle of piss comes out.

And to make matters worse...there is blood. Yup, pain and blood. Perfect. Love it.

Stupid body. What a fabulous way to spend the weekend.....Not.

Ugh! People!!

So...jeremy & i have sprint cell phone service. we were going to switch over to cingular cause we thought they were better. well....come to find out, it would have cost more money to switch than to buy brand new phones and sign a new contract for Sprint.
Well, I started to place an order with Cingular before I changed my mind. We decided to stick with Sprint for awhile longer. Sooo...had to call and cancel the order with Cingular & stop the transfer of the lines. They did Jeremy's quickly with no problems. With calls between Sprint & Cingular (call upon call upon call) i found out that they had not done mine. Ugh....so I had to call back and do it again. It was done. Finally. Then I call Sprint again to change plans & phones.

It is done now!!! FINALLY! I swear though some people should just NOT work in customer service. One guy that I talked to tonight was rude and not helpful at all. I mean, I know that working in customer service on the phone sucks. I have been there!!! Don't ever want to go back. But if you are doing the job...DO the job and don't be a jackass. Be helpful and curteous. This guy (who was foreign so it was hard to understand anyway...not to be mean) was not helpful! He wouldn't listen to me and kept giving me reason after reason as to why he couldn't do what I was asking. When I tried to explain it to him, he kept telling me the same thing over and over again. And what he was saying was wrong!! So I finally got exasperated and instead of asking to speak to a manager (which is a fate worse than death, almost, when you are in a call center) I just said that I would call back and speak to someone else. And I hung up on him!! I couldn't believe I did that!! I never do that kind of stuff!! But I felt good about it. LOL

Anyway....that is my exasperating tale of cell phone misery. lmao. Thanks for reading.

Another weekend come & gone

I went to happy hour Friday night with some co-workers. It was SO much fun! It was nice to kick back with some of my friends, with no inhibitions and no cares. Got really drunk....not the best idea, but it was still fun. No regrets here. :)

Last night, I spent time with my dear husband....went on a date to see a movie. It was a great film...highly recommended. (The 40-year old Virgin.) Then had some great...uh...alone time. LOL.

Today has been pretty boring...not much going on. I did make lunch though. Without my parents here, it is up to me and Jeremy to fend for ourselves on Sunday afternoons. I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes & green beans. My first time making a full meal like that. I was very happy with the way it turned out...and Jeremy ate it, so it couldn't have been half bad. :)

And tomorrow, I will go back to work. Oh joy joy joy. Nah...it isn't really bad. Just kind of bad. lol. I have some coworkers who brighten my day. I said that one of them is my little ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary work day. And that is true. They make it fun and worthwhile.

Well, that is it from me. Maybe I will have more to write later...I am pretty boring though, so don't get your hopes up. LOL

pointless entry

I stole this from Sarah (there's your props, girl. lol) I thought it was really interesting and wanted to share.....

I am not: weird, dumb, skinny or pretty
I hurt: when someone i love hurts
I love: fiercely
I hate: very little
I fear: that I will lose those that I love the most
I hope: for the best in everyone and am usually disappointed
I crave: sex, right now
I regret: a lot
I cry: all the time...at anything
I care: deeply
I always: want what I can't have
I feel alone: more often than I like to admit
I listen: closely to everything people say
I hide: a lot of things about myself
I drive: very fast!
I sing: pretty well
I dance: very rarely
I write: a lot...i love to write
I breathe: to stay alive?
I play: board games, poker
I miss: my family
I search: for a deeper meaning to life
I learn: as much as possible
I feel: like i don't know who i am
I know: that i am a failure and disappointment
I say: things i shouldn't
I succeed: very little
I fail: more than i would like to admit
I dream: big. too big
I wonder: what my life would be like had i made different choices
I want: a lot
I worry: more than i should
I have: a great life that i shouldn't wish was different
I give: all of me
I fight: for meaningful things & people
I wait: as little as possible
I need: God,my husband, my mom, my daddy, my brothers and my friends
I see: myself differently than others see me
I think: i could be a better person
I hear: more conversations than i should..i am a good eavesdropper. lol

Response's

I said in an earlier post that I have some dear friends....most mainly online, but they are near & dear to my heart. I have gotten some great comments from a few of them, so I am going to respond to their comments here.

Jessica said...

(((hugs)))
Carn,
You are such a wonderful friend.

Sometimes,
I wish that I could meet you face to face just so I could wrap my long monkey arms around you and give you the biggest hug known to mankind.
:)
Oh Jess....you are the sweetest, kindest girl. i hope i get the chance to meet you one day....to hug you right back. I know you are sad and hurting and going through so much right now...but please know that I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you!! I will never forget when you asked me if I was smiling. And I knew what you were talking about. That conversation, though small and insignificant, meant the world to me. You talked to me on a level that not many people do. Thank you, friend.

The other me said...

ahhh BUT have you ever imagined what you could be if you weren't you? If ever I wish I wasn't me, I look out for someone I would hate to be even more..it never takes too long! I remember when I was a single mum and had to clean a friends house to just to make ends meet, she had a huge 4 bed, 3 bath beautiful show home type place and I told her one day how lucky I thought she was...she then told me that she hated walking through the door of her show home because there was such misery there, she told me that she would trade with me any day because I had a home and joy in it.....you're not stupid and everyone is needy....I just wish you were more happy right now.

Helen--I know that I don't know y ou very well, but I admire you and love you just the same. Your stories and your wisdom never cease to amaze me. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot and come at just the right time. And you are right...the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. But there are times that I would like to frolick in that what-appears-to-be-greener grass. You know? I know that I would not fit into any other life other than the one I am living now, but sometimes I wonder. I have a VERY active imagination. LOL.

I think that I have given people the wrong impression about me here. I know it seems like I am always sad and down and depressed...however, I am not always like that. I think that this blog helps me to get my deepest darkets feelings out. I don't have to hold them inside and not purge it from my system. I might sound like a broken record on here with the tears and whatnot, but in real life...I am a pretty happy person! I am smiles and laughs and fun! So while it seems as though I am not happy, I am...I just have some deep, dark, hidden saddness that seems to just come out on here. Thank you to each and every one of you that care enough to want me to be happy. To send me virtual hugs and wishes for happiness. I take it all to heart and cherish each word.

Thank you sooo much!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes...
I wish that I lived in a whole new city, with a whole new life.

Sometimes...
I wish that I was single and could do what I wanted, when I wanted.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be more daring, more adventerous.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be less lazy, less needy, less stupid.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be beautiful.

Sometimes...
I wish that I wasn't me at all.

Some friends are worth a million bucks

I have some of the greatest friends. Though I don't have a lot...the ones I do have are the worlds best. The comments for my last entry made me realize that while I don't have the highest self confidence, I have people around me that love me and cherish me enough to build me up when I am down. It is a great feeling to know that others love me THAT much.

So thank you to all those friends. Though you are few & far between, I cherish each and every one of you for who you are and what you are to me. A friend. Nothing matters by our friendship and the love that we have for each other. I know that I do not always need to feel down as I have you to cheer me back up. I have you to hug me when I am cold and you to make me smile when all I want to do is cry.

Thank you.....you mean more to me than you will ever know.

Ramblings...

I have this friend at work. She is a great girl, and I love her dearly. We have a lot of fun together. We talk about boys and we flirt with them and tease them. All in good fun--as we are both married. But she has something I don't. Confidence. She knows she is hot and she is confident in that. She is confident that if, given the chance, any guy we work with would f*ck her. She knows that. She isn't confident in a cocky or arrogant way...just sure of herself. I soooo admire that.

And I am totally on the other end of the spectrum. While I flirt and tease and joke with guys...I wouldn't say that I am hot. No way Jose. I don't think I am pretty....let alone hot! And I don't believe that if given the chance any of those same guys would sleep with me.

How do I change that? How do I gain that confidence? That love of self? I mean....I am not skinny or anything, but I am nice and funny and fun-loving.....on paper that all sounds hot. But in real life, I feel that couldn't be further from the truth. Hot?? Nah....not me!

I just want to know how one gets to that place in their life that they love who they are. I mean, I am sure that these people have things about themselves that they would like to change. But they are comfortable with who they are NOW. And they love themselves. How?? How do they get there?!?! Ugh...I wish I knew that secret.

Adriene, I know you will be reading this and I want to say that I love you. You are a great friend and I really have a lot of fun with you. I admire you for who you are and the confidence you have in yourself and in who YOU are. I look forward to our friendship growing and getting closer. :) Love you, girl.

What a weekend

We went to Oklahoma to visit my parents this weekend. It was really weird to visit them and actually be visiting--like overnight. Very strange. They have a very nice house though. It is really big and roomy. It was hard to see it though. I did a quick tour when we got there and it all just hit me. It is real. They are gone. I cried. It was hard.

On Saturday night we were all watching the Pacifier and in the middle we got hit by a storm and the power went out. Fun stuff. So we lit some candles, hung out and finally decided to get out of the house. Now, mind you...they live in a small town of like 5500 people. So we went driving (at 9pm) to see if everyone was out of power. We went to Main Street and decided to go the coffee shop since it had power. Hung out there for about an hour. Then went home. We were there about another hour and the power came back on. We finished watching the movie. It was stupid.

This morning we went to church. But before that, I was helping my mom take some dishes out to her car (to give back to people) and was going out through the garage. I have never taken the three stairs that are in the garage so wasn't sure what to expect. So I am walking out, trying to look where I was going and maneuver around all the crap that was there...when down I fell. Hard. My left ankle gave out and I slipped with my other foot and somehow my leg (right one) ended up under me. Wow...did it hurt. I tweaked both my ankles--which have both been sprained in the past. Skinned my left foot and the toes on my right foot. Feels like I pulled my quad muscled in my right leg. Also, when I went down, my butt landed right on the corner of the concrete stair. So it hurts like none other. I have been limping around all day....sucks. I just know that tomorrow is going to be even worse.

Church was good though. Was nice to see my dad preach again. I know it makes him so happy to be doing that again. It is great to see him happy. He lead worship too...didn't ask me to sing though. While, I don't expect to sing with him every time I am there, it did kind of hurt my feelings that he didn't ask. Oh well....I am over it.

Gotta go back to work tomorrow. That should be fun. Yeah, right. But Tuesday, my friend John comes back. He has been gone since Thursday. It will be nice to have him back. He adds a little something to my day. I told Jeremy about him and I think Jeremy is jealous. He asked me if he should be jealous or worried. I told him, only if he thinks he should be. I know that he trusts me and isn't really the jealous type, but it would kind of be nice if he would show some type of jealousy. Not in a crazy maniacal way....but in a 'I love you more than life itself and don't know what I would do with myself if you ever left me or cheated on me' kind of way. Make sense? I know it sounds bad, but sometimes I wonder if it would hurt him if I did cheat on him. I wonder if he would care. He makes comments like "Do what you want, I will just find someone else." Well...that makes me feel loved and wanted. Oh well.

Ok...well that is all from my today. My sore, sore self is going to go...and maybe go to bed early.

so bored!

I woke up today and the first thing that I thought was "Oh! It is Sunday...goin' to mom & dad's house for lunch today."........Wait, no. No....it would be a long drive just to have lunch with mom & dad. ooohhh...my my. Things sure are different now.

I sit here after spending my day cleaning and organizing my house. Taking a few breaks here and there. I am sooo sick of unpacking and organizing. Oh---and our old apartment is trying to stiff us. Not only did we put a $600 deposit when we first moved in, but they are now saying that we owe them another $600 for carpet damage. Bullshit. We steam cleaned that carpet ourselves. There were absolutely no stains or anything on that carpet. We lived there for 3 yrs and you could barely tell anyone had lived there at all...that's how clean the carpet was! Jeremy went to talk to them and they threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave the property. Nice. Oh well....people suck.

I did so much work around here and it still looks like a tornado went through. Ugh. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am getting no where. Kind of parallel to my life really. Doing so much just to end up doing absolutely nothing.

Gotta go back to my mindless job tomorrow. Fun stuff. Although I will say it is a little more fun. I hate my manager, but the other people I work with are really great. There are 4 of us that have gone through most of the training together and we get along great. We have a lot of fun together. Going to lunch as a team, we even went to happy hour. If it weren't for the manager, this would be a great new experience. And a couple of the new people we have met that were already on the team are awesome. So fun. One guy fits in with us perfectly. Sarcasm, jabs, wittiness....everything. He is appying for another job...I will be sad to see him go.

Anyway....that's all from my corner of the world today. Boring, as usual.

Things change

I have been away for awhile. Went on vacation and then moved to a house. I love it. Lots of changes in my life...except for one that I really want and another that I really don't want.

I am still not pregnant. It keeps happening all around me, but not TO me. Sucks. Oh well. Everyone keeps saying to me that it is going to happen soon..but I just don't feel it. I don't get excited about it. I am almost comfortable with never getting pregnant. And that scares me. Not only just about not being pregnant or having kids but the fact that I am getting to that point that it doesn't hurt. I think I am just becoming numb. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to yearn for.

On the other side, my parents moved today. They moved to Oklahoma. It is only 3 hours away. I know, I know. Could be worse...could be a lot further. 3 hours isn't too bad. All things that I have heard before...all things that I have said to myself before. But it still hurts. It saddens me that I will not be able to drive by their house and see my daddy puttering around in the garage. Or catch my mom as she comes home from getting her nails done. Or be able to call her on a Saturday morning and see if she wants to spend the day shopping...just me and her. Or have family dinners on Sunday afternoons. No more family dinners. No more family. Just me and Jeremy. I love my husband dearly...but I am so lost without my parents. I need them...I have never been so far away from them. It is so hard. I don't think that it has really hit me yet. The first day that I drive by their house and see a strange car in the driveway I will have a breakdown. That will be a fun day.

Well that is the recent news from my corner of the world. Tears, tears and more tears. Pretty soon it will be a flood.

100 things about me

This looked fun...thought I would try it

1. I worry what people think about me.
2. I am terribly shy.
3. Yet, strangely outgoing--once I get to know you.
4. I wear my heart on my sleeve
5. And it often gets broken
6. I cry a lot
7. too much really
8. I somehow manage to make friends that inevitably end up hurting me
9. I love hanging out with guys more than girls
10. I think most girls are petty
11. and in big groups they get catty
12. i love my husband
13. i am a daddy's girl
14. and a momma's girl
15. i love my family more than anything in this world
16. god always comes first
17. my parents did an amazing job of raising me & my brothers
18. i don't give then enough credit
19. i have disappointed my parents more times than i care to think about
20. it always makes me cry when i do think about it.
21. i really need to lose weight
22. i scares me to know that i scare my husband about my weight & health
23. the thought of my parents getting old scares me
24. it scares me to know that my family is splitting up (moving)
25. i am going to miss my parents when they leave
26. my husband is my best friend
27. my mom is my best girl friend
28. i love my doggies
29. i really want a baby
30. i don't care if it is a girl or boy
31. i am frustrated that i don't have a baby yet
32. i love the shows the Shield and Rescue Me
33. i love the carebears
34. i love Days of Our Lives
35. my husband is a fireman
36. and i am extremely proud of him
37. i adore my brothers
38. i miss them lots
39. i am moving next week
40. to a house...with a yard. i can't wait
41. i love to bake
42. i only have a few friends
43. that hurts
44. i love to sing
45. and i am not too shabby at it
46. my favorite singer is Michael Buble
47. my dad is a preacher
48. i am fiercely proud of him
49. my mom is my hero
50. i would love to be a professional singer
51. i love to write
52. guys who have accents make me melt
53. i have PCOS
54. and am insulin resistant
55. i need to work out
56. but am lazy
57. my longest friendship extends back to when i was 3 yrs old
58. i still love her dearly
59. i am fiercely competitive
60. my favorite movie right now is Wedding Crashers
61. i really want to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
62. i grind my teeth when i sleep
63. i have to sleep with my feet out of the covers
64. it balances my body temp
65. i wish i had blonde hair
66. and blue eyes
67. but i have brown hair and brown eyes
68. i don't really think i am interesting
69. i wish i had more money
70. i wish i didn't blame myself for a lot of things
71. i wish i knew how to love myself
72. i love pictures
73. i cried at my brothers wedding
74. seriously, bawled!
75. i am not really athletic
76. i would like to be, though
77. he doesn't think so, but my husband makes me laugh
78. i am a geek
79. and extremely sarcastic
80. i tend to be the only laughing at my jokes
81. sometimes my husband is really frustrating
82. i don't really speak up as often as i should
83. i love rain
84. i really love the smell of rain
85. i would live in arizona if i could
86. but only if my family was there
87. i really try to be the best person i can be
88. sometimes i fail miserably
89. being home alone at night scares me
90. i sometimes wish that my husband would appreciate me more
91. and tell me that i am beautiful
92. i think i am special--most of the time
93. i love that my husband is passionate about his job
94. i love that he dreams big
95. i wish i could be a teacher
96. i love mexican food
97. i don't know why i am doing this list...it is hard
98. i have big boobs
99. i have great hair
100. i love to sleep

Life Is Weird

I am sitting here, watching Days of Our Lives and while their lives are sooooo complicated (note the sarcasm) it seems their lives are so simple. Do the writers really think that people talk that way? Or Act like that?? I mean, come on!! My life is crazy, but I don't think that ANYONE's life is THAT twisted! It just amazes me. I don't really know why...just sucks me in. LOL Living through their dramatic lives.

Started my new position at work today. New hours--they suck. Traffic is a bitch.

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Still haven't seen the old hag. Probably won't come. What a shocker. Another cycle without ovulating. Another cycle where the wishing, hoping & praying didn't work. My body fails me again. Fan-freakin'-tastic. Is it too much to want to get pregnant on my own? Is it too much to want to experience being pregnant? Is it too much to say that I yearn for a baby? It's all I have ever wanted--and yet it is the only thing that I can't seem to do/get. Isn't irony a bitch? I keep hearing "it will happen"--but you know what? I don't want to hear that all the time!!!!! Sometimes I need a hug or an "I know it is hard, Caryn." Something, ANYTHING other than "It will happen when it happens." Because what if it doesn't? What if I never get pregnant? I have to think about that! It could happen!! I could take all the clomid and other fertility treatments until I am blue in the face and it could never happen for me. The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world....gone. Well, not gone per se...never realized. And Jeremy....he gets it easy. It isn't his problem. No pressure on him. Nope, it is alllll me, baby! I am the one whose body can't function properly, I am the one who can't extend our family, I am the one who cannot give my husband a child. Me, me, me me memememememe. AAAAAALLLLL MMMMEEEEE!!! And no matter how hard I cry, no matter how much money I spend, no matter what----I can't make it happen. So since I can't--why can't God? A year and a half has gone by. We have a good-big- car--a house, good jobs....what more do we need? Please God---Please!!

Ok, enough pissing and moaning. doesn't do any good. doesn't make a baby. lol

Ahhhh....now we have All my Children. More drama. Fantastic.

For my friends, whom I love

i wish...

*i wish you a shaft of sunlight on the gloomiest of days

*i wish you a long, lazy morning with breakfast in bed

*i wish you the sound of your children's laughter

*i wish that no matter how much it rains, your socks never get wet

*i wish you a kiss in the moonlight from someone you love

*i wish you always get a seat by the window

*i wish you patience, because sometimes the world will insist on walking when you want to run

*i wish you the abandon to dance badly at weddings

*i wish you a good memory, except for grievances

*i wish you rainbows & fireworks

*i wish that no matter how venerable an age you attain, at least once a year you splash in a puddle

*i wish that you never fear failure, for doing so makes it hard to succeed

*i wish that you're never the last to laugh

*i wish you a mountain to climb and the will to do it

*i wish you passion

Another day

Another dollar. Another headache. Another series of uneventful moments in my life.

And by uneventful, I mean absolutely boring! :) jeremy is at work, so i am home all by my lonesome. i miss him when he is gone. it is hard to sleep and i feel weird talking to myself. my poor dogs probably thing i am the weirdest thing on earth. when he is gone i will talk and dance and sing to them. i am a freak...i realize this. i think this is part of my longing to have a child. companionship for when my other half is gone. other half..you know...i have always thought that term was weird. until i married mine. funny how things change. you can be going along in life...everything is so nice. and everything changes in a split second. you meet the one you are going to spend forever with. fate? some might say so. meant to be? probably. chance encounter? who knows? but i am glad it happened to me. i sometimes wonder where i might be if it weren't for my husband. i know i would be doing ok---with gentle direction and wonderful guidance from my parents. still....my life is better. enriched, if you will, because of my husband. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have experienced love. or joy. or extreme sadness.

you know who i love? well besides owen wilson, vince vaughn, luke wilson, matthew mccoughnhay, orlando bloom, johnny depp & oh yeah...my husband.....LOL. I LOVE Michael Buble (with the accent thingy over the e)---oohhh he is quite the crooner! He has a Frank Sinatra, big band feel to him. Oohhh..I melt when I hear him!

I am tired. I love my friends...even if they are online friends whom I have never met. They are the sweetest, most reliable people. You know that they will be there for you if and when you need them. Mainly 'cause they are internet geeks just like you! LOL

Sometimes things are just so....right. Too right...then that fear creeps back up...that something could go wrong. Ugh....stupid fears.

Here it goes...

Well, I have finally jumped on the bandwagon...gonna join the crowd and start my own blog. I must warn you that I don't know what I will say...or if I will even say anything. Well anything that makes any sense. :)
I can't even tell you what brings me to start this online diary. My sometimes guilt ridden depression that I have ruined my husbands life and am making him absolutely miserable on a day to day basis? The fact that after trying for a year & a half, we are STILL not pregnant? And that it is all my fault that we don't have a baby? Or maybe it is that I feel I have been a terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend, etc to anyone & everyone in my life. The feeling that I have been a big dissapointment to everyone I love the most haunts me. I can't get past it.

I wonder what it would be like to live without these feelings? I have never had a day go by that I don't somehow feel guilty or worried or scared that something will go wrong in my life. Guilty for things in my past that have caused my life to be the way it is now. Worried that I will never be able to get out of this drowning pool of debt or being overweight. Scared that I will not be able to survive without my parents living so close. Scared of my husband, my dear dear husband, realizing that I am a big mistake and not loving me anymore. Scared that one day I will come home from work and he will be gone. Out of my life forever. How could I survive that? How could I go on? I love him so fiercely, but I realize that I am to blame for 99.99999% of our problems. How does one deal with that? How, HOW, can I begin to forgive myself and move on to a happier life?

My family is my rock. In two weeks they will be gone. Gone will be the days of my driving to walmart and stopping at their house to say a quick hello. I will no longer be able to go on an all day shopping spree with my mom on a random Saturday. Or spend my lunch hour with my daddy at work. I know, deep down in my heart that them leaving and going back to the church is what my daddy needs. He NEEDS to go back to being a pastor. He has been out of the church for 5 years. And when you know you should be doing something, when it is your calling, you know that you have to be doing it. And any time away kills you little bit by little bit. So it will be good for them. I know that. But it will be so so hard for me. And yes, I realize that I am being extremely selfish by saying that. But they are my life line...my rock. It will be a tough adjustment...a tough couple of months ahead of me. *sigh* oh well

But--as bad as it all sounds. I know Jeremy loves me. Even if he blames me and resents me...he does love me. And I know other people love me. I know I have touched a few lives along the way. Some that remember me...some that cherish me.

At least I hope so...