This looked fun...thought I would try it
1. I worry what people think about me.
2. I am terribly shy.
3. Yet, strangely outgoing--once I get to know you.
4. I wear my heart on my sleeve
5. And it often gets broken
6. I cry a lot
7. too much really
8. I somehow manage to make friends that inevitably end up hurting me
9. I love hanging out with guys more than girls
10. I think most girls are petty
11. and in big groups they get catty
12. i love my husband
13. i am a daddy's girl
14. and a momma's girl
15. i love my family more than anything in this world
16. god always comes first
17. my parents did an amazing job of raising me & my brothers
18. i don't give then enough credit
19. i have disappointed my parents more times than i care to think about
20. it always makes me cry when i do think about it.
21. i really need to lose weight
22. i scares me to know that i scare my husband about my weight & health
23. the thought of my parents getting old scares me
24. it scares me to know that my family is splitting up (moving)
25. i am going to miss my parents when they leave
26. my husband is my best friend
27. my mom is my best girl friend
28. i love my doggies
29. i really want a baby
30. i don't care if it is a girl or boy
31. i am frustrated that i don't have a baby yet
32. i love the shows the Shield and Rescue Me
33. i love the carebears
34. i love Days of Our Lives
35. my husband is a fireman
36. and i am extremely proud of him
37. i adore my brothers
38. i miss them lots
39. i am moving next week
40. to a house...with a yard. i can't wait
41. i love to bake
42. i only have a few friends
43. that hurts
44. i love to sing
45. and i am not too shabby at it
46. my favorite singer is Michael Buble
47. my dad is a preacher
48. i am fiercely proud of him
49. my mom is my hero
50. i would love to be a professional singer
51. i love to write
52. guys who have accents make me melt
53. i have PCOS
54. and am insulin resistant
55. i need to work out
56. but am lazy
57. my longest friendship extends back to when i was 3 yrs old
58. i still love her dearly
59. i am fiercely competitive
60. my favorite movie right now is Wedding Crashers
61. i really want to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
62. i grind my teeth when i sleep
63. i have to sleep with my feet out of the covers
64. it balances my body temp
65. i wish i had blonde hair
66. and blue eyes
67. but i have brown hair and brown eyes
68. i don't really think i am interesting
69. i wish i had more money
70. i wish i didn't blame myself for a lot of things
71. i wish i knew how to love myself
72. i love pictures
73. i cried at my brothers wedding
74. seriously, bawled!
75. i am not really athletic
76. i would like to be, though
77. he doesn't think so, but my husband makes me laugh
78. i am a geek
79. and extremely sarcastic
80. i tend to be the only laughing at my jokes
81. sometimes my husband is really frustrating
82. i don't really speak up as often as i should
83. i love rain
84. i really love the smell of rain
85. i would live in arizona if i could
86. but only if my family was there
87. i really try to be the best person i can be
88. sometimes i fail miserably
89. being home alone at night scares me
90. i sometimes wish that my husband would appreciate me more
91. and tell me that i am beautiful
92. i think i am special--most of the time
93. i love that my husband is passionate about his job
94. i love that he dreams big
95. i wish i could be a teacher
96. i love mexican food
97. i don't know why i am doing this list...it is hard
98. i have big boobs
99. i have great hair
100. i love to sleep
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Life Is Weird
I am sitting here, watching Days of Our Lives and while their lives are sooooo complicated (note the sarcasm) it seems their lives are so simple. Do the writers really think that people talk that way? Or Act like that?? I mean, come on!! My life is crazy, but I don't think that ANYONE's life is THAT twisted! It just amazes me. I don't really know why...just sucks me in. LOL Living through their dramatic lives.
Started my new position at work today. New hours--they suck. Traffic is a bitch.
Today is day 30 of my cycle. Still haven't seen the old hag. Probably won't come. What a shocker. Another cycle without ovulating. Another cycle where the wishing, hoping & praying didn't work. My body fails me again. Fan-freakin'-tastic. Is it too much to want to get pregnant on my own? Is it too much to want to experience being pregnant? Is it too much to say that I yearn for a baby? It's all I have ever wanted--and yet it is the only thing that I can't seem to do/get. Isn't irony a bitch? I keep hearing "it will happen"--but you know what? I don't want to hear that all the time!!!!! Sometimes I need a hug or an "I know it is hard, Caryn." Something, ANYTHING other than "It will happen when it happens." Because what if it doesn't? What if I never get pregnant? I have to think about that! It could happen!! I could take all the clomid and other fertility treatments until I am blue in the face and it could never happen for me. The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world....gone. Well, not gone per se...never realized. And Jeremy....he gets it easy. It isn't his problem. No pressure on him. Nope, it is alllll me, baby! I am the one whose body can't function properly, I am the one who can't extend our family, I am the one who cannot give my husband a child. Me, me, me me memememememe. AAAAAALLLLL MMMMEEEEE!!! And no matter how hard I cry, no matter how much money I spend, no matter what----I can't make it happen. So since I can't--why can't God? A year and a half has gone by. We have a good-big- car--a house, good jobs....what more do we need? Please God---Please!!
Ok, enough pissing and moaning. doesn't do any good. doesn't make a baby. lol
Ahhhh....now we have All my Children. More drama. Fantastic.
Started my new position at work today. New hours--they suck. Traffic is a bitch.
Today is day 30 of my cycle. Still haven't seen the old hag. Probably won't come. What a shocker. Another cycle without ovulating. Another cycle where the wishing, hoping & praying didn't work. My body fails me again. Fan-freakin'-tastic. Is it too much to want to get pregnant on my own? Is it too much to want to experience being pregnant? Is it too much to say that I yearn for a baby? It's all I have ever wanted--and yet it is the only thing that I can't seem to do/get. Isn't irony a bitch? I keep hearing "it will happen"--but you know what? I don't want to hear that all the time!!!!! Sometimes I need a hug or an "I know it is hard, Caryn." Something, ANYTHING other than "It will happen when it happens." Because what if it doesn't? What if I never get pregnant? I have to think about that! It could happen!! I could take all the clomid and other fertility treatments until I am blue in the face and it could never happen for me. The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world....gone. Well, not gone per se...never realized. And Jeremy....he gets it easy. It isn't his problem. No pressure on him. Nope, it is alllll me, baby! I am the one whose body can't function properly, I am the one who can't extend our family, I am the one who cannot give my husband a child. Me, me, me me memememememe. AAAAAALLLLL MMMMEEEEE!!! And no matter how hard I cry, no matter how much money I spend, no matter what----I can't make it happen. So since I can't--why can't God? A year and a half has gone by. We have a good-big- car--a house, good jobs....what more do we need? Please God---Please!!
Ok, enough pissing and moaning. doesn't do any good. doesn't make a baby. lol
Ahhhh....now we have All my Children. More drama. Fantastic.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
For my friends, whom I love
i wish...
*i wish you a shaft of sunlight on the gloomiest of days
*i wish you a long, lazy morning with breakfast in bed
*i wish you the sound of your children's laughter
*i wish that no matter how much it rains, your socks never get wet
*i wish you a kiss in the moonlight from someone you love
*i wish you always get a seat by the window
*i wish you patience, because sometimes the world will insist on walking when you want to run
*i wish you the abandon to dance badly at weddings
*i wish you a good memory, except for grievances
*i wish you rainbows & fireworks
*i wish that no matter how venerable an age you attain, at least once a year you splash in a puddle
*i wish that you never fear failure, for doing so makes it hard to succeed
*i wish that you're never the last to laugh
*i wish you a mountain to climb and the will to do it
*i wish you passion
*i wish you a shaft of sunlight on the gloomiest of days
*i wish you a long, lazy morning with breakfast in bed
*i wish you the sound of your children's laughter
*i wish that no matter how much it rains, your socks never get wet
*i wish you a kiss in the moonlight from someone you love
*i wish you always get a seat by the window
*i wish you patience, because sometimes the world will insist on walking when you want to run
*i wish you the abandon to dance badly at weddings
*i wish you a good memory, except for grievances
*i wish you rainbows & fireworks
*i wish that no matter how venerable an age you attain, at least once a year you splash in a puddle
*i wish that you never fear failure, for doing so makes it hard to succeed
*i wish that you're never the last to laugh
*i wish you a mountain to climb and the will to do it
*i wish you passion
Monday, July 18, 2005
Another day
Another dollar. Another headache. Another series of uneventful moments in my life.
And by uneventful, I mean absolutely boring! :) jeremy is at work, so i am home all by my lonesome. i miss him when he is gone. it is hard to sleep and i feel weird talking to myself. my poor dogs probably thing i am the weirdest thing on earth. when he is gone i will talk and dance and sing to them. i am a freak...i realize this. i think this is part of my longing to have a child. companionship for when my other half is gone. other half..you know...i have always thought that term was weird. until i married mine. funny how things change. you can be going along in life...everything is so nice. and everything changes in a split second. you meet the one you are going to spend forever with. fate? some might say so. meant to be? probably. chance encounter? who knows? but i am glad it happened to me. i sometimes wonder where i might be if it weren't for my husband. i know i would be doing ok---with gentle direction and wonderful guidance from my parents. still....my life is better. enriched, if you will, because of my husband. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have experienced love. or joy. or extreme sadness.
you know who i love? well besides owen wilson, vince vaughn, luke wilson, matthew mccoughnhay, orlando bloom, johnny depp & oh yeah...my husband.....LOL. I LOVE Michael Buble (with the accent thingy over the e)---oohhh he is quite the crooner! He has a Frank Sinatra, big band feel to him. Oohhh..I melt when I hear him!
I am tired. I love my friends...even if they are online friends whom I have never met. They are the sweetest, most reliable people. You know that they will be there for you if and when you need them. Mainly 'cause they are internet geeks just like you! LOL
Sometimes things are just so....right. Too right...then that fear creeps back up...that something could go wrong. Ugh....stupid fears.
And by uneventful, I mean absolutely boring! :) jeremy is at work, so i am home all by my lonesome. i miss him when he is gone. it is hard to sleep and i feel weird talking to myself. my poor dogs probably thing i am the weirdest thing on earth. when he is gone i will talk and dance and sing to them. i am a freak...i realize this. i think this is part of my longing to have a child. companionship for when my other half is gone. other half..you know...i have always thought that term was weird. until i married mine. funny how things change. you can be going along in life...everything is so nice. and everything changes in a split second. you meet the one you are going to spend forever with. fate? some might say so. meant to be? probably. chance encounter? who knows? but i am glad it happened to me. i sometimes wonder where i might be if it weren't for my husband. i know i would be doing ok---with gentle direction and wonderful guidance from my parents. still....my life is better. enriched, if you will, because of my husband. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have experienced love. or joy. or extreme sadness.
you know who i love? well besides owen wilson, vince vaughn, luke wilson, matthew mccoughnhay, orlando bloom, johnny depp & oh yeah...my husband.....LOL. I LOVE Michael Buble (with the accent thingy over the e)---oohhh he is quite the crooner! He has a Frank Sinatra, big band feel to him. Oohhh..I melt when I hear him!
I am tired. I love my friends...even if they are online friends whom I have never met. They are the sweetest, most reliable people. You know that they will be there for you if and when you need them. Mainly 'cause they are internet geeks just like you! LOL
Sometimes things are just so....right. Too right...then that fear creeps back up...that something could go wrong. Ugh....stupid fears.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Here it goes...
Well, I have finally jumped on the bandwagon...gonna join the crowd and start my own blog. I must warn you that I don't know what I will say...or if I will even say anything. Well anything that makes any sense. :)
I can't even tell you what brings me to start this online diary. My sometimes guilt ridden depression that I have ruined my husbands life and am making him absolutely miserable on a day to day basis? The fact that after trying for a year & a half, we are STILL not pregnant? And that it is all my fault that we don't have a baby? Or maybe it is that I feel I have been a terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend, etc to anyone & everyone in my life. The feeling that I have been a big dissapointment to everyone I love the most haunts me. I can't get past it.
I wonder what it would be like to live without these feelings? I have never had a day go by that I don't somehow feel guilty or worried or scared that something will go wrong in my life. Guilty for things in my past that have caused my life to be the way it is now. Worried that I will never be able to get out of this drowning pool of debt or being overweight. Scared that I will not be able to survive without my parents living so close. Scared of my husband, my dear dear husband, realizing that I am a big mistake and not loving me anymore. Scared that one day I will come home from work and he will be gone. Out of my life forever. How could I survive that? How could I go on? I love him so fiercely, but I realize that I am to blame for 99.99999% of our problems. How does one deal with that? How, HOW, can I begin to forgive myself and move on to a happier life?
My family is my rock. In two weeks they will be gone. Gone will be the days of my driving to walmart and stopping at their house to say a quick hello. I will no longer be able to go on an all day shopping spree with my mom on a random Saturday. Or spend my lunch hour with my daddy at work. I know, deep down in my heart that them leaving and going back to the church is what my daddy needs. He NEEDS to go back to being a pastor. He has been out of the church for 5 years. And when you know you should be doing something, when it is your calling, you know that you have to be doing it. And any time away kills you little bit by little bit. So it will be good for them. I know that. But it will be so so hard for me. And yes, I realize that I am being extremely selfish by saying that. But they are my life line...my rock. It will be a tough adjustment...a tough couple of months ahead of me. *sigh* oh well
But--as bad as it all sounds. I know Jeremy loves me. Even if he blames me and resents me...he does love me. And I know other people love me. I know I have touched a few lives along the way. Some that remember me...some that cherish me.
At least I hope so...
I can't even tell you what brings me to start this online diary. My sometimes guilt ridden depression that I have ruined my husbands life and am making him absolutely miserable on a day to day basis? The fact that after trying for a year & a half, we are STILL not pregnant? And that it is all my fault that we don't have a baby? Or maybe it is that I feel I have been a terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend, etc to anyone & everyone in my life. The feeling that I have been a big dissapointment to everyone I love the most haunts me. I can't get past it.
I wonder what it would be like to live without these feelings? I have never had a day go by that I don't somehow feel guilty or worried or scared that something will go wrong in my life. Guilty for things in my past that have caused my life to be the way it is now. Worried that I will never be able to get out of this drowning pool of debt or being overweight. Scared that I will not be able to survive without my parents living so close. Scared of my husband, my dear dear husband, realizing that I am a big mistake and not loving me anymore. Scared that one day I will come home from work and he will be gone. Out of my life forever. How could I survive that? How could I go on? I love him so fiercely, but I realize that I am to blame for 99.99999% of our problems. How does one deal with that? How, HOW, can I begin to forgive myself and move on to a happier life?
My family is my rock. In two weeks they will be gone. Gone will be the days of my driving to walmart and stopping at their house to say a quick hello. I will no longer be able to go on an all day shopping spree with my mom on a random Saturday. Or spend my lunch hour with my daddy at work. I know, deep down in my heart that them leaving and going back to the church is what my daddy needs. He NEEDS to go back to being a pastor. He has been out of the church for 5 years. And when you know you should be doing something, when it is your calling, you know that you have to be doing it. And any time away kills you little bit by little bit. So it will be good for them. I know that. But it will be so so hard for me. And yes, I realize that I am being extremely selfish by saying that. But they are my life line...my rock. It will be a tough adjustment...a tough couple of months ahead of me. *sigh* oh well
But--as bad as it all sounds. I know Jeremy loves me. Even if he blames me and resents me...he does love me. And I know other people love me. I know I have touched a few lives along the way. Some that remember me...some that cherish me.
At least I hope so...
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