Don't worry about me

I love my family. I really really do. They are great and caring and loving and concerned.....just wonderful! So let me take this opportunity to tell those family members that there is NOTHING wrong with me!!! :)

I am not depressed or sad or down or upset or anything of the sort. I am still my happy, upbeat self. But occasionally I have thoughts that I just need to get out. This is an online diary....I have never been good at keeping a real journal, but doing an online one has been much easier on me. I love being able to get all my thoughts out in writing. It is very cathartic and actually heals my heart and head. And I love to write.

So if you log on here or happen by the site as you are browsing or just killing time....don't worry if you read a seemingly depressing post. I promise you that I am ok. If I am not, I will tell you...you won't have to read it in my blog to find out about something upsetting. You know I am not one to really keep secrets. Ha ha.

I love your caring nature and your worry's about me....but don't worry yourself over me. I promise you will know if something is really wrong. So if you read something that seems upsetting or troublesome, just remember that I am just writing. Half the things I write, I don't think about. I start out with an idea and my fingers just keep going with it. I don't think...I just write. When I am writing on here, I just.....am. Does that make sense? My fingers write the story that is my life without requiring a lot of thought from me. And I have no apologies about that. My writings are reflections of different parts of me. The different facats make up who I am and makes me whole. I am blessed with the ability to write and get my thoughts out on "paper". Even if they are dark or distrubing....they are just thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a moment in time in which something struck me as awful or sad or depressing and I felt the need to get it out.

I appreciate you all reading my blog and caring so much about me that you take time out of your life to read a bit about mine. But don't worry about me....I am good. I am happy. I have a good life. A wonderful husband and good job....and one day I will be able to be a mother and enlighten myself in that aspect of happiness. And when that happens, not only will I experience that level of happiness, but I will also be able to bless each of you with another family member that will enrich your life as well. I know you all are looking forward to having a grandchild or niece/nephew. You will get it one day, I hope. The last thing I want to do is let you down in that area, too. (And yes, I mean too. I feel like I have been a let-down or failure in many aspects of our lives together. Not being the best sister or daughter that I could have been. I realize I could have done many many things better, and that is something I think about all the time.....but that is neither here nor there right now. That is a blog subject for another date & time. ha ha ha)

Mom- You are such a wise woman....a true hero in many more ways than you will ever realize. Patient and kind....so many words could be said yet none quite capture the true essence that is you. You inspire me.

Dad- Never have I seen a man with such passion for God. You will never cease to amaze me with your faith. If I had one ounce of the faith that you have, I would consider myself the luckiest person. No matter how old I get, I will never lose the 'little girl' complex that I have. You will forever be my Daddy and I love you so so much.

Philip- Wow...was I a crappy big sister, or what? I was so so mean and hateful to you...and for what? No reason....I loved you very much and never took the time to tell you or show you. I don't know why... Looking back I can't imagine what I would have done if something had ever happened to you. I would have never ever forgiven myself for treating you so badly. I hold you so close to my heart now. I hope you know that I love you very much and that if I could take back every hurtful thing that I said and did...I would do it in a heartbeat. I am glad that we have become the friends that we have. I consider you one of my best friends and I never imagined that we would get to this point, but I am so so glad we did. You are one half of the greatest brother duo in the world. I treasure you and our friendship that I know will only deepen as we get older.

JD- Baby brother. Where to even start. I can just repeat everything I said to Philip to you...as it all feels the same. I never meant to hurt you when we were growing up. I remember doing or saying something mean and as I would walk away, I could hear you cry. Those tears still haunt me. I don't know why I was the way I was. But I deeply regret everything. I hope that you can forgive me for being so rotten. You are the best baby brother and the second half of the greatest brother duo in the world. As with Philip, I love the relationship that we have acquired in the last few years. You are amazing. The friendship that we have attained is great and so fun! I love you very much!!

I just wanted to give each of you a little shout out and lay out some individual thoughts about each of you. Didn't want to be depressing or a downer....but wanted to let you know what I am feeling at this point in time. I love each and every one of you in different ways and yet strangely similar. You all mean the world to me and I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for you. You each enriched my life and different ways that formed the Caryn that is before you now.

So with my heart open and the vulnerability showing, please take my writing as is. Read nothing more behind it...there is no depression or sadness. I can't say there aren't tears or frustration, but this is my outlet. My venting is nothing more than an airing out of my thoughts. And it is mainly going to be mindless rambles. I hope you enjoy getting a glimpse into my thoughts and life....I know we are all so far apart now and don't keep in touch nearly as much as we would like to. So here is your chance to keep up with me...a little bit at a time. Of course what you will get here is a little more raw and up front than what I would say to you on the phone....but its still me.

Ok ok....I am not gonna keep going on this. Please just know that I am doing fine, I don't have any problems and if I did...you would know about it. I promise!!! I love each of you more than you will ever ever know!!!

And on the lighter side of things...to give you a quick update on whats going on in Caryns World (and that's the real Caryns world....not the one that you all tease me about with CareBears, etc. ha ha)

Harley brought a dead mouse into the house this past week. It was really disgusting. It was dead and stiff and she just carried it around in her mouth like it was a chew toy. And it was HUGE!! Come to think of it...maybe it was a rat. Ew!!! I put her back outside with it still in her mouth...she dropped it and I had to throw it behind the garage. I know, amazing that I touched it. Well, I had a rubber glove on...but I would have had Jeremy do it, but he was at work. Of course.

I cut my eyelid this week also. I was scratching it and must have had a hangnail or something because there was a small little cut on the crease. And of course it is all swollen and painful now. Fun stuff.

That's about it.. Oh, I have an interview for a management position next Wed. I hope I get it cause I know I would be really good at it and am qualified for the position, but if I don't get it, I am ok with that too. Just say a quick prayer for me that no matter what the result, it all goes ok.

And that's my life right now. Not fun or exciting, just same old same old. :)

I love you all.

Compliment me?

I don't get compliments often...and when I do, I don't really know how to handle them. It's weird for me. Not that I am complaining about getting them....but how does one handle getting a compliment. It isn't as though they teach you this in school. I find it hard to just smile and say thanks....my gut instinct is to run and hide, but that isn't too polite, is it? So instead I stumble around and stutter out a thank you, but....you know. "You have great hair" "Thanks, but I hate the color..." or "That looks great on you!" "Oh thanks, but it's so old!" etc, etc.

'Thanks, but' seems to be my favorite reaction to compliments. Not with the intention to be rude...i just kind of freeze when I am complimented. I wish I knew how to better receive the compliments. Just not in my nature, I guess. Too shy & reserved & self-conscience to think that anyone thinks anything good about me. And not only to think that they don't think it but certainly that they wouldn't say it.

So that's it. I love compliments, but I just need to work on handling them a bit better, I think.

A fun happy post *just for mom* :o)

Ok first off....i have this quiz of sorts. to kind of get a feeling of what you think of me. just go to this site and play along.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=carynmeshell

Ok, now on to the happy fun stuff.

I just want to say that I really love my husband. I don't know what's happened to him, but here lately he has really seemed to grow up and really appreciate our marriage & me. Not just appreciate, but accept and care. I have seen more demonstrations of caring from him in the past few months than I have in the past 7 yrs that we have been together. Maybe is because we are gonna celebrate our 5 yr anniversary in 6 months and he realized that I am not going anywhere...or that he realized that I am a good wife. I dunno....but whatever it is I LOVE IT! He actually asked me if I wanted anything for Valentine's Day. Now, to some of you, this may not seem like anything....but in the years that we have been together he has never asked me that or acted like it was anything special. Sure, I got flowers if I hinted at it or a ring if I showed him exactly what I wanted....but this year was different. He actually asked without me mentioning anything about it. (I told him I didn't want anything.) So the day comes and I decide to surprised him with flowers. He was getting a tattoo and I put them in his truck for a sweet surprise. Well, I get home from work that day and he has the cutest little gift for me. (See pics below.) It was really sweet. He said that he was gonna buy me some jewelry, but after getting the tat, he was in too much pain. I asked him if he decided to do it because I gave him the flowers and he said no. That he had actually been planning it before then! What?? Who are you?? lol. I asked him what he was gonna get, cause I am not really a jewelry changing type of girl...I pretty much stick with what I have because I love them... So anyway, he said that he knew I liked charm bracelets so he was gonna get me one of those and then next year get another charm for it... Awwww...isn't that the sweetest? As if I couldn't love him anymore, he goes and does something like that. That man is the greatest man, I tell ya.

And!! He is totally supporting a new career direction that I am gonna go. Usually he just says something to the effect of "ok" or "as long as you make good money"...but this time he is actually saying "If its what you want to do, then I support that". WOW!! That makes me feel so so good! So I am gonna go back to school and he hasn't even complained about the money that it will take for that....truely amazing. :) And THAT, my friends, is why I love my husband. Well that and because the sex is great. :) (LOL...had to throw that in there to freak out mom.)

I can't wait to make him a father. I know he will be absolutely fabulous at it....and I can't wait to grow old with him. He is such a great husband and will only get better as we get older. Along with our marriage.

So that's it....my thoughts today. See, mom...told you I wasn't always so depressing. hee hee.

Friendships

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am kind of a loser. I don't have a lot of friends...at least close ones. And so the ones that I do have, I really cherish. So you are holding on to this friendship and everything seems to be going fine...then one day there is this terrible tension. It comes from no where and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it. Of course...my mind starts racing through recent events to see if I somehow caused the riff that has seemed to develop. I try to be nice and fun and same old me...but there doesn't seem to be a change. Things are going back to the way they were. To no avail....days have passed and it seems to be staying the same or getting worse. An absolute teeter-totter of emotions.

As much as I love my friends, there has to be a point that I say no more. I cannot be the one to constantly reach out emotionally just to keep being rejected. My heart and mind can only take so much. Even a doormat gets raggedy and worn down after being stepped on so many times.

I have to stand up for myself. And if that makes me seems withdrawn or bitchy or rude, so be it. But I will not continue to be the one reach out in time of need only to be rejected or shot down. Even comments with the best of intentions are hurtful when said snidley or shortly.

So to my friends, I love each of you dearly. But please don't use me or expect me to stay around if you treat me badly. It is not in me anymore to be degraded in such a fashion. I am human and caring and understanding to the nth degree...but even I can only take so much. I will stand up for myself and I will distance myself from the negative energy that you give off. I do not need nor want to be around that type of person.

At the risk of losing me as a friend, continue on the path that you have carved for yourself or realize that that attitude you are carrying at the moment is not attractive or fun or nice. And I refuse to be around it.

confusion sets in

you ever feel like you are lost? like you are walking in a never ending black room. no lights, no sun, just black all around. surrounded by darkness with no way out. it starts to close in on you. can't breathe, can't move. frozen in time, frozen in place. you feel around, running hands down the wall, up one side and down the other...searching. not really knowing what you are searching for, but knowing that you can't stop. for the life of you, you can't stop searching. feeling around for a door or light switch. ANYTHING that will help you shed light on your situation. no idea what you are doing or where you are. just pure black. you have glimers of hope when you think your eyes are finally adjusting to the darkness. maybe now you can see, get some guidance, get out of this black hole....but there it is again. Complete darkness. The panic sets in again. Chest is getting tight for this situation is not good for the claustrophobic. Feels like you have been crawling and crying and feeling and fumbling for hours upon hours, to no avail. You are faced with two choices. Keep fighting for your life and hope for a way out or give up. Give up, curl up in a ball and cry. Cry yourself to death. Give up. No more hope. Everything is gone. Family, friends, light & life. No more smiles, no more sunshine on your face, no more hugs & kisses. Nothing but blackness. Deep dark hole with no way out. No hope. Giving up now....losing faith and hope. Can't keep trying. Just too hard. Can't do this anymore. Can't. Keep. Going. On.

I'm gonna brag

I just LOVE my family. I think they are the greatest family that God ever created. My parents are...just amazing. My brothers mean the world to me. I miss everyone with all my heart and wish we were all together again. With that said, I am gonna attach some pics of my family. One is all of us together, then some of just by younger bro JD, one of Philip & JD (both brothers), and a few of JD with his girlfriend KC. I am just so proud of and love my family, that I just wanted to share these photos.

New tattoo

Ok, so I have 3 tattoos now. My first one:

My second one:

And now my third one....I just got his one today and I love it!