This sucks

Well...i have a bladder infection. And I know that they are painful, but holy mary mother of God. This one has me doubled over and crying from the pain. Not fun. Makes me not want to go pee...but with a bladder infection you have to go all the time....and most of those times only a trinkle of piss comes out.

And to make matters worse...there is blood. Yup, pain and blood. Perfect. Love it.

Stupid body. What a fabulous way to spend the weekend.....Not.

Ugh! People!!

So...jeremy & i have sprint cell phone service. we were going to switch over to cingular cause we thought they were better. well....come to find out, it would have cost more money to switch than to buy brand new phones and sign a new contract for Sprint.
Well, I started to place an order with Cingular before I changed my mind. We decided to stick with Sprint for awhile longer. Sooo...had to call and cancel the order with Cingular & stop the transfer of the lines. They did Jeremy's quickly with no problems. With calls between Sprint & Cingular (call upon call upon call) i found out that they had not done mine. Ugh....so I had to call back and do it again. It was done. Finally. Then I call Sprint again to change plans & phones.

It is done now!!! FINALLY! I swear though some people should just NOT work in customer service. One guy that I talked to tonight was rude and not helpful at all. I mean, I know that working in customer service on the phone sucks. I have been there!!! Don't ever want to go back. But if you are doing the job...DO the job and don't be a jackass. Be helpful and curteous. This guy (who was foreign so it was hard to understand anyway...not to be mean) was not helpful! He wouldn't listen to me and kept giving me reason after reason as to why he couldn't do what I was asking. When I tried to explain it to him, he kept telling me the same thing over and over again. And what he was saying was wrong!! So I finally got exasperated and instead of asking to speak to a manager (which is a fate worse than death, almost, when you are in a call center) I just said that I would call back and speak to someone else. And I hung up on him!! I couldn't believe I did that!! I never do that kind of stuff!! But I felt good about it. LOL

Anyway....that is my exasperating tale of cell phone misery. lmao. Thanks for reading.

Another weekend come & gone

I went to happy hour Friday night with some co-workers. It was SO much fun! It was nice to kick back with some of my friends, with no inhibitions and no cares. Got really drunk....not the best idea, but it was still fun. No regrets here. :)

Last night, I spent time with my dear husband....went on a date to see a movie. It was a great film...highly recommended. (The 40-year old Virgin.) Then had some great...uh...alone time. LOL.

Today has been pretty boring...not much going on. I did make lunch though. Without my parents here, it is up to me and Jeremy to fend for ourselves on Sunday afternoons. I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes & green beans. My first time making a full meal like that. I was very happy with the way it turned out...and Jeremy ate it, so it couldn't have been half bad. :)

And tomorrow, I will go back to work. Oh joy joy joy. Nah...it isn't really bad. Just kind of bad. lol. I have some coworkers who brighten my day. I said that one of them is my little ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary work day. And that is true. They make it fun and worthwhile.

Well, that is it from me. Maybe I will have more to write later...I am pretty boring though, so don't get your hopes up. LOL

pointless entry

I stole this from Sarah (there's your props, girl. lol) I thought it was really interesting and wanted to share.....

I am not: weird, dumb, skinny or pretty
I hurt: when someone i love hurts
I love: fiercely
I hate: very little
I fear: that I will lose those that I love the most
I hope: for the best in everyone and am usually disappointed
I crave: sex, right now
I regret: a lot
I cry: all the time...at anything
I care: deeply
I always: want what I can't have
I feel alone: more often than I like to admit
I listen: closely to everything people say
I hide: a lot of things about myself
I drive: very fast!
I sing: pretty well
I dance: very rarely
I write: a lot...i love to write
I breathe: to stay alive?
I play: board games, poker
I miss: my family
I search: for a deeper meaning to life
I learn: as much as possible
I feel: like i don't know who i am
I know: that i am a failure and disappointment
I say: things i shouldn't
I succeed: very little
I fail: more than i would like to admit
I dream: big. too big
I wonder: what my life would be like had i made different choices
I want: a lot
I worry: more than i should
I have: a great life that i shouldn't wish was different
I give: all of me
I fight: for meaningful things & people
I wait: as little as possible
I need: God,my husband, my mom, my daddy, my brothers and my friends
I see: myself differently than others see me
I think: i could be a better person
I hear: more conversations than i should..i am a good eavesdropper. lol

Response's

I said in an earlier post that I have some dear friends....most mainly online, but they are near & dear to my heart. I have gotten some great comments from a few of them, so I am going to respond to their comments here.

Jessica said...

(((hugs)))
Carn,
You are such a wonderful friend.

Sometimes,
I wish that I could meet you face to face just so I could wrap my long monkey arms around you and give you the biggest hug known to mankind.
:)
Oh Jess....you are the sweetest, kindest girl. i hope i get the chance to meet you one day....to hug you right back. I know you are sad and hurting and going through so much right now...but please know that I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you!! I will never forget when you asked me if I was smiling. And I knew what you were talking about. That conversation, though small and insignificant, meant the world to me. You talked to me on a level that not many people do. Thank you, friend.

The other me said...

ahhh BUT have you ever imagined what you could be if you weren't you? If ever I wish I wasn't me, I look out for someone I would hate to be even more..it never takes too long! I remember when I was a single mum and had to clean a friends house to just to make ends meet, she had a huge 4 bed, 3 bath beautiful show home type place and I told her one day how lucky I thought she was...she then told me that she hated walking through the door of her show home because there was such misery there, she told me that she would trade with me any day because I had a home and joy in it.....you're not stupid and everyone is needy....I just wish you were more happy right now.

Helen--I know that I don't know y ou very well, but I admire you and love you just the same. Your stories and your wisdom never cease to amaze me. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot and come at just the right time. And you are right...the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. But there are times that I would like to frolick in that what-appears-to-be-greener grass. You know? I know that I would not fit into any other life other than the one I am living now, but sometimes I wonder. I have a VERY active imagination. LOL.

I think that I have given people the wrong impression about me here. I know it seems like I am always sad and down and depressed...however, I am not always like that. I think that this blog helps me to get my deepest darkets feelings out. I don't have to hold them inside and not purge it from my system. I might sound like a broken record on here with the tears and whatnot, but in real life...I am a pretty happy person! I am smiles and laughs and fun! So while it seems as though I am not happy, I am...I just have some deep, dark, hidden saddness that seems to just come out on here. Thank you to each and every one of you that care enough to want me to be happy. To send me virtual hugs and wishes for happiness. I take it all to heart and cherish each word.

Thank you sooo much!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes...
I wish that I lived in a whole new city, with a whole new life.

Sometimes...
I wish that I was single and could do what I wanted, when I wanted.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be more daring, more adventerous.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be less lazy, less needy, less stupid.

Sometimes...
I wish that I could be beautiful.

Sometimes...
I wish that I wasn't me at all.

Some friends are worth a million bucks

I have some of the greatest friends. Though I don't have a lot...the ones I do have are the worlds best. The comments for my last entry made me realize that while I don't have the highest self confidence, I have people around me that love me and cherish me enough to build me up when I am down. It is a great feeling to know that others love me THAT much.

So thank you to all those friends. Though you are few & far between, I cherish each and every one of you for who you are and what you are to me. A friend. Nothing matters by our friendship and the love that we have for each other. I know that I do not always need to feel down as I have you to cheer me back up. I have you to hug me when I am cold and you to make me smile when all I want to do is cry.

Thank you.....you mean more to me than you will ever know.

Ramblings...

I have this friend at work. She is a great girl, and I love her dearly. We have a lot of fun together. We talk about boys and we flirt with them and tease them. All in good fun--as we are both married. But she has something I don't. Confidence. She knows she is hot and she is confident in that. She is confident that if, given the chance, any guy we work with would f*ck her. She knows that. She isn't confident in a cocky or arrogant way...just sure of herself. I soooo admire that.

And I am totally on the other end of the spectrum. While I flirt and tease and joke with guys...I wouldn't say that I am hot. No way Jose. I don't think I am pretty....let alone hot! And I don't believe that if given the chance any of those same guys would sleep with me.

How do I change that? How do I gain that confidence? That love of self? I mean....I am not skinny or anything, but I am nice and funny and fun-loving.....on paper that all sounds hot. But in real life, I feel that couldn't be further from the truth. Hot?? Nah....not me!

I just want to know how one gets to that place in their life that they love who they are. I mean, I am sure that these people have things about themselves that they would like to change. But they are comfortable with who they are NOW. And they love themselves. How?? How do they get there?!?! Ugh...I wish I knew that secret.

Adriene, I know you will be reading this and I want to say that I love you. You are a great friend and I really have a lot of fun with you. I admire you for who you are and the confidence you have in yourself and in who YOU are. I look forward to our friendship growing and getting closer. :) Love you, girl.

What a weekend

We went to Oklahoma to visit my parents this weekend. It was really weird to visit them and actually be visiting--like overnight. Very strange. They have a very nice house though. It is really big and roomy. It was hard to see it though. I did a quick tour when we got there and it all just hit me. It is real. They are gone. I cried. It was hard.

On Saturday night we were all watching the Pacifier and in the middle we got hit by a storm and the power went out. Fun stuff. So we lit some candles, hung out and finally decided to get out of the house. Now, mind you...they live in a small town of like 5500 people. So we went driving (at 9pm) to see if everyone was out of power. We went to Main Street and decided to go the coffee shop since it had power. Hung out there for about an hour. Then went home. We were there about another hour and the power came back on. We finished watching the movie. It was stupid.

This morning we went to church. But before that, I was helping my mom take some dishes out to her car (to give back to people) and was going out through the garage. I have never taken the three stairs that are in the garage so wasn't sure what to expect. So I am walking out, trying to look where I was going and maneuver around all the crap that was there...when down I fell. Hard. My left ankle gave out and I slipped with my other foot and somehow my leg (right one) ended up under me. Wow...did it hurt. I tweaked both my ankles--which have both been sprained in the past. Skinned my left foot and the toes on my right foot. Feels like I pulled my quad muscled in my right leg. Also, when I went down, my butt landed right on the corner of the concrete stair. So it hurts like none other. I have been limping around all day....sucks. I just know that tomorrow is going to be even worse.

Church was good though. Was nice to see my dad preach again. I know it makes him so happy to be doing that again. It is great to see him happy. He lead worship too...didn't ask me to sing though. While, I don't expect to sing with him every time I am there, it did kind of hurt my feelings that he didn't ask. Oh well....I am over it.

Gotta go back to work tomorrow. That should be fun. Yeah, right. But Tuesday, my friend John comes back. He has been gone since Thursday. It will be nice to have him back. He adds a little something to my day. I told Jeremy about him and I think Jeremy is jealous. He asked me if he should be jealous or worried. I told him, only if he thinks he should be. I know that he trusts me and isn't really the jealous type, but it would kind of be nice if he would show some type of jealousy. Not in a crazy maniacal way....but in a 'I love you more than life itself and don't know what I would do with myself if you ever left me or cheated on me' kind of way. Make sense? I know it sounds bad, but sometimes I wonder if it would hurt him if I did cheat on him. I wonder if he would care. He makes comments like "Do what you want, I will just find someone else." Well...that makes me feel loved and wanted. Oh well.

Ok...well that is all from my today. My sore, sore self is going to go...and maybe go to bed early.

so bored!

I woke up today and the first thing that I thought was "Oh! It is Sunday...goin' to mom & dad's house for lunch today."........Wait, no. No....it would be a long drive just to have lunch with mom & dad. ooohhh...my my. Things sure are different now.

I sit here after spending my day cleaning and organizing my house. Taking a few breaks here and there. I am sooo sick of unpacking and organizing. Oh---and our old apartment is trying to stiff us. Not only did we put a $600 deposit when we first moved in, but they are now saying that we owe them another $600 for carpet damage. Bullshit. We steam cleaned that carpet ourselves. There were absolutely no stains or anything on that carpet. We lived there for 3 yrs and you could barely tell anyone had lived there at all...that's how clean the carpet was! Jeremy went to talk to them and they threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave the property. Nice. Oh well....people suck.

I did so much work around here and it still looks like a tornado went through. Ugh. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am getting no where. Kind of parallel to my life really. Doing so much just to end up doing absolutely nothing.

Gotta go back to my mindless job tomorrow. Fun stuff. Although I will say it is a little more fun. I hate my manager, but the other people I work with are really great. There are 4 of us that have gone through most of the training together and we get along great. We have a lot of fun together. Going to lunch as a team, we even went to happy hour. If it weren't for the manager, this would be a great new experience. And a couple of the new people we have met that were already on the team are awesome. So fun. One guy fits in with us perfectly. Sarcasm, jabs, wittiness....everything. He is appying for another job...I will be sad to see him go.

Anyway....that's all from my corner of the world today. Boring, as usual.

Things change

I have been away for awhile. Went on vacation and then moved to a house. I love it. Lots of changes in my life...except for one that I really want and another that I really don't want.

I am still not pregnant. It keeps happening all around me, but not TO me. Sucks. Oh well. Everyone keeps saying to me that it is going to happen soon..but I just don't feel it. I don't get excited about it. I am almost comfortable with never getting pregnant. And that scares me. Not only just about not being pregnant or having kids but the fact that I am getting to that point that it doesn't hurt. I think I am just becoming numb. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to yearn for.

On the other side, my parents moved today. They moved to Oklahoma. It is only 3 hours away. I know, I know. Could be worse...could be a lot further. 3 hours isn't too bad. All things that I have heard before...all things that I have said to myself before. But it still hurts. It saddens me that I will not be able to drive by their house and see my daddy puttering around in the garage. Or catch my mom as she comes home from getting her nails done. Or be able to call her on a Saturday morning and see if she wants to spend the day shopping...just me and her. Or have family dinners on Sunday afternoons. No more family dinners. No more family. Just me and Jeremy. I love my husband dearly...but I am so lost without my parents. I need them...I have never been so far away from them. It is so hard. I don't think that it has really hit me yet. The first day that I drive by their house and see a strange car in the driveway I will have a breakdown. That will be a fun day.

Well that is the recent news from my corner of the world. Tears, tears and more tears. Pretty soon it will be a flood.