Family

I hate that my family lives so far away from me. I feel like we are so distant now. I hate it. My parents have each other and my brothers have each other....and I have no one. I do have my husband, but it isn't the same. I miss my family. I miss my dad and his hugs, I miss my mom & our shopping trips, I miss Philip and the teasing that we always did to him, I miss JD and his....well, just JD. I love that JD & Philip are so close (as they have always been) but in all honesty, I feel so left out of my family. KC mentioned on her blog that Amanda (Kc=Jd's girlfriend & Amanda=Philips wife) is one of her best friends. I am so so happy that they are all so close, but I read that and my heart broke a bit. I used to be so so close to my family, but now I feel like I don't even know them. I feel that closeness slipping away.

It's really hard sometimes to be all alone.

Not my time

I guess that's all I can say. It isn't my time to be a mother. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Its been two long years of trying and hoping, wishing & praying...to no avail. My heart breaks a little each and every time it doesn't work. It's so hard to just keep trying and trying. At what point do you just say no more? When your heart is completely shattered from all the heartbreak? I just don't know. I am so confused and lost and hurt and....sad. Extremely sad.

My daddy called me tonight when he found out about it. And he said to me "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." I want to have that feeling! I want a child to make my life complete and to make me happy. Surface happiness can only take me so far, deep down I feel hollow. Hollow because there is something that I want so badly and have no way to obtain it. How does one get past that? I hope & wait & pray.....heck, I have legions of people across the country praying for me...and still it doesn't happen. Why, God, why????

God, why can't this happen for me? It keeps happening all around me to other people and here I am yearning for it so badly, but yet nothing happens. Is this your plan for me? To be barron and childless? Is this some lesson that I have to learn? Well, why me? Why can't someone else learn this lesson? Why can't this be the path for someone else's life? I just don't understand!!!

I am not mad at God. I know he has some plan....I am just extremely frustrated and sad. I sit here typing all this bawling my eyes out. For what once seemed like a sure future for me (ie.being a wife & mother) that dream, that vision is slowly fading into the distance. I can't see it, I can't grasp it. My whole future, my whole being is questionable now, for the one thing that I wanted most in life isn't happening for me. I just don't understand.


I wish someone could make me understand. I wish someone could take this pain & heartache away.

One More Week

Only one more week....then I will find out if I am pregnant or not.

Sure would be nice if I was...