She looks in the mirror and sees her naked body reflected back. Her belly bulging, her breasts sagging, the fat on her arms hanging down, and her thighs tightly pressed together.
"No wonder you are all alone." The thoughts ring in a whisper over & over in her head. An evil echo that cannot be silenced. She paws at her head, willing the words to stop. She silently cries as she knows she will never hush the voices that taunt her with her deepest fears. All alone. Forever. Nothing but darkness in her life.
She glances up at the mirror and sees the tears that fall down her cheeks. The mascara forming lonely black rivers down her plump cheeks. Her deep brown eyes reflecting the fear and loneliness that rings inside her hollow shell. She can barely see through the tears, but her eye catches the darkness that frames her body from behind. Slowly, she turns to see what hides behind her. Her eyes search, but they see nothing. Waiting for a moment, she chokes back the fear and allows time for her site to adjust to the complete dark that has taken over. She soon finds out that site cannot adjust to complete black. No light shines through, no break in the color, no redeeming site to find. Only black. Black & complete darkness surround her.
The fear she held back started to well inside her chest. The tears came in waves. She gasped for breath...her only sign of life. She reached out her hand, hoping & praying to feel something. Anything that would regain her confidence that all was not lost. She prayed to God to allow her some comfort. She didn't pray for a door or a window or a small ray of light. She didn't pray for rescue or help...just a wall. A wall that says she is at least somewhere in this world. Not floating in the midst. She prayed to be grounded on this earth so that one day she could wake up from the nightmare and see those she loves once again.
She continues to feel through the darkness, stumbling along praying for something. Anything. She cannot be all alone in nothing-ness. She is no where, with nothing around. She remembers the mirror. Even though she felt worthless, at least she didn't feel totally alone. She was able to be with herself and see something. She whips around, full of hope that there is a redeeming grace behind her. The mirror is gone. She is met with complete darkness yet again.
She cannot understand. Where did her world go? What happened to her? Once upon a time, she was happy and the world was sunny. She could smile and mean it. There was no self doubt, no feel of failure, no feeling of complete uselessness.

She finally gave up searching. Her arm was tired from all the stretching and her heart was tired from all the yearning. She curled into a ball and accepted that this was her fate. She was alone in this world. She was here for herself and herself alone. No one will help, no one will rescue. No one will connect with her. The tears began to fall as the realization set it. She was truly alone. Alone in the dark, with only her tears and thoughts to keep her alive.

Just some old poems

About 10 years ago, I started a poem book, of sorts. On occasion, I am blessed with words that I put in a poem and I decided that instead of just jotting them down on multiple pieces of paper that are scattered everywhere, I would keep them all compiled in a book. I don't write in it often, but there are a few pieces that I thought would be fun to share.
========================
Your soft eyelashes brush my cheek
As you kiss away my tears,
Your smile warms my heart and
Sooths all my fears away.
I don't know why you
love me like you do,
All I know is I am lucky to have
a love as great as you.
===========================

Healing

A smile flashes
Saying everything is alright
Inside, the tears are all
I am trying to fight.
With pain and sorrow
Dwelling inside
I will not let you know
ABout the hurt I have to hide.
I will not show my weakness
in how you hurt me so,
But lead you to believe
that happiness is all I know.
Be strong and happy,
Mask the pain inside,
With a beautiful smile
Instead of leaving my heart open wide
for all to see what I feel.
Though you have hurt me,
I know that I will eventually heal.
=============================

wow

I just realized that it has been quite a few months since I have last posted anything. With the furor that is MySpace, it seems that blogging here has kind of fallen by the wayside. Not that much in my life has changed, but I will try to update what I can.
First off, I got a new job. Woohoo!!! I have been there for about 3 months and so far, I like it alright. It certainly isn't my dream job, but it is better from where I came.
Jeremy's band is doing awesome. They are making some great strides in promotion and just getting out there. In January, they played something like 6-8 shows. It was exhausting. But I am really proud of them and am doing all I can to help them out. Check out their site www.myspace.com/bothersomekc and listen to a few of their songs.

Goin' on 3 years now and still no baby, but that's alright. It is what it is.
My baby brother is getting married this June. I feel incredibly old, but that's alright. He is happy and that's all that matters.

OH!! And we found a new church. It is a great new church that has only been around for about 3 months...but it is so contemporary and upbeat. It is a great church and has great possibility. I am really excited about it!!

So, I still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have this yearning to do something and be something. Not that I want to be a big somebody or be in the spot light or anything, but I want to do something. If I could do it, I would be a firefighter or a cop...but I can't do that. Don't have the heart (or strength) for it. But what do I do? I have this overwhelming urge to fulfill some purpose in my life. In all my years, I thought that purpose was to be a mom, but now I am wondering if it is something else. But what? I want to go back to school, but I don't want to go with no goal in mind. I don't want to spend the money and not know what it is for. I am totally fine with not having a degree if I am still happy and fulfilled. So what do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? I just don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out. Got any suggestions for me?