Gone but not forgotten

No, I am not writing about the events on 9/11. Today is still 9/10. And today is Grandparent's Day. In the last year & a half, I have lost all 4 grandparents. It is a strange feeling to actually REMEMBER that today is Grandparent's Day, but not have anyone to call. No Nana to tell that you love her. No Papa to hug tightly. They are gone. Their memory & their love will live on forever, but it just isn't the same.

Looking back, I realize that I was an awful grandaughter. I didn't call them enough, didn't write. I was lucky if I remembered their birthdays. I didn't deserve their love, though I hope they knew that I loved them with all my heart. With no calls, no letters...they were never far from my thoughts. Anytime I would make chocolate chip cookies or see As the World Turns, I immediately thought of my dear Nana. Whenever I heard someone whistling or saw something on the Air Force...my Papa was at the forefront of my mind. I have pictures of them in my house. I can't bear to look at them now. The song that was played at Nana's funeral is on my mp3 player. It will play at work and it is all I can do to not break down in tears right there at my desk.

Today was a good day...made some treats for the guys at the fire station. It was raining--and I LOVE rain! I head out to run a few errands and at the end of the street is a cemetary. I look over and there is a family huddled under an umbrella standing over a grave. It suddenly dawns on me that today is Grandparent's Day and I have no grandparents. I don't even have a grave close to me to stand over. I immediately broke down into tears.

It breaks my heart that they are gone. They lived a full and wonderful life. They loved each other and their family so so much. Its funny cause people always say that you never want to see a person when they die cause that will be the last image that you have of them in your mind. While this is true...when I think of Papa, my mind does not immediately think of him in his bed after he took his last shred of breath. It immediately jumps to Nana trying to close his mouth so she can kiss him one more time. It remembers the incredible hugs that he used to give me all the time. He would whisper in my ear how glad he was to see me and that he loved me. I wish I could have seen him more. I wish I could have just one more hug. "Good Morning, Sunshine" will never have the same ring as it did when he would say it. And Nana. Oh my Nana. I will never tell anyone at their dinner table that I don't like something. They might give me a second helping. I credit her for my addiction to Soap Operas. And for my love of baking.

I miss them loads. I know they are in Heaven smiling down on me and telling me that they know that I love them. But I hope they knew when they were here. When they were alive. They influenced so much of my life...so much of my being. Life won't be the same without them around.

To my wonderful Grandparents who are lucky enough to be in a better place: Please know that you were truly the beacon of light in this family. No one would be who they are without you. Know that I love you with every fiber of my being & that I am sorry for not showing it more while you were with us. Please guide us as we carry on through life without you. Continue to show us the way in God & life. You are missed and You are loved.

5 years ago

August 31, 2001
Today, I married the man of my dreams. He fits me perfectly. I know our love will grow, our lives will grow & we will grow. I never knew that I could love anyone as deeply as I love him. All I can do now is look to our future and know that our love will weather any storm, shelter us from any harm and last a lifetime.

August 31, 2006
It has been 5 years since I married my love. At the time, I knew that I loved him. We had been through a lot, but were still so much in love. Now that we have been married, life is different than it was before, but the love hasn't changed. I love him more today than I ever have before and will love him more tomorrow than I do today. He has my heart for now & evermore.

Thank you for a (mostly) wonderful 5 years, Jeremy. I love you more than I think you will ever know. The love runs deeper than even I realize. I look forward to living out our lives together, growing old & falling more in love with you over the next however many years. Love you babe.

Good bye my Nana

November wasn't long ago....just 5 short months. That's when we lost my dear Papa. November 19th was a sad day in my family. April 2nd was another sad day. We lost my dear Nana. She was sad & sick and not doing so well. It was time for her to leave us and join Jesus & reunite with her one true love in heaven. Not only did she get a chance to meet Jesus, but she was able to see my dear Papa again, and her daughter Elyse who passed away 10 years ago. I know it was a joyous day for her...though extremely sad for us.

She was a great woman...she loved her family and God. She wasn't perfect, but we all treasured her just the same. She loved us all with all her heart and wanted only the best for us. As sad as we are that she is no longer with us, we are comforted in the fact that she is where she wanted to be. She held on longer than any of us thought she would. She hated being seperated from her true love...she missed him every second of every day.

Nana, I know you are in a better place right now. Looking and smilling down on us. Guiding us and watching over us as we continue our lives on Earth. We all look forward to the day we will be rejoined with you in Heaven. You were a great woman that taught your family many many things. We love you and cherish you and the memories you created for each of us.

I love you and miss you and will always be your little Sunshine Face.

Family

I hate that my family lives so far away from me. I feel like we are so distant now. I hate it. My parents have each other and my brothers have each other....and I have no one. I do have my husband, but it isn't the same. I miss my family. I miss my dad and his hugs, I miss my mom & our shopping trips, I miss Philip and the teasing that we always did to him, I miss JD and his....well, just JD. I love that JD & Philip are so close (as they have always been) but in all honesty, I feel so left out of my family. KC mentioned on her blog that Amanda (Kc=Jd's girlfriend & Amanda=Philips wife) is one of her best friends. I am so so happy that they are all so close, but I read that and my heart broke a bit. I used to be so so close to my family, but now I feel like I don't even know them. I feel that closeness slipping away.

It's really hard sometimes to be all alone.

Not my time

I guess that's all I can say. It isn't my time to be a mother. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Its been two long years of trying and hoping, wishing & praying...to no avail. My heart breaks a little each and every time it doesn't work. It's so hard to just keep trying and trying. At what point do you just say no more? When your heart is completely shattered from all the heartbreak? I just don't know. I am so confused and lost and hurt and....sad. Extremely sad.

My daddy called me tonight when he found out about it. And he said to me "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." I want to have that feeling! I want a child to make my life complete and to make me happy. Surface happiness can only take me so far, deep down I feel hollow. Hollow because there is something that I want so badly and have no way to obtain it. How does one get past that? I hope & wait & pray.....heck, I have legions of people across the country praying for me...and still it doesn't happen. Why, God, why????

God, why can't this happen for me? It keeps happening all around me to other people and here I am yearning for it so badly, but yet nothing happens. Is this your plan for me? To be barron and childless? Is this some lesson that I have to learn? Well, why me? Why can't someone else learn this lesson? Why can't this be the path for someone else's life? I just don't understand!!!

I am not mad at God. I know he has some plan....I am just extremely frustrated and sad. I sit here typing all this bawling my eyes out. For what once seemed like a sure future for me (ie.being a wife & mother) that dream, that vision is slowly fading into the distance. I can't see it, I can't grasp it. My whole future, my whole being is questionable now, for the one thing that I wanted most in life isn't happening for me. I just don't understand.


I wish someone could make me understand. I wish someone could take this pain & heartache away.

One More Week

Only one more week....then I will find out if I am pregnant or not.

Sure would be nice if I was...

Don't worry about me

I love my family. I really really do. They are great and caring and loving and concerned.....just wonderful! So let me take this opportunity to tell those family members that there is NOTHING wrong with me!!! :)

I am not depressed or sad or down or upset or anything of the sort. I am still my happy, upbeat self. But occasionally I have thoughts that I just need to get out. This is an online diary....I have never been good at keeping a real journal, but doing an online one has been much easier on me. I love being able to get all my thoughts out in writing. It is very cathartic and actually heals my heart and head. And I love to write.

So if you log on here or happen by the site as you are browsing or just killing time....don't worry if you read a seemingly depressing post. I promise you that I am ok. If I am not, I will tell you...you won't have to read it in my blog to find out about something upsetting. You know I am not one to really keep secrets. Ha ha.

I love your caring nature and your worry's about me....but don't worry yourself over me. I promise you will know if something is really wrong. So if you read something that seems upsetting or troublesome, just remember that I am just writing. Half the things I write, I don't think about. I start out with an idea and my fingers just keep going with it. I don't think...I just write. When I am writing on here, I just.....am. Does that make sense? My fingers write the story that is my life without requiring a lot of thought from me. And I have no apologies about that. My writings are reflections of different parts of me. The different facats make up who I am and makes me whole. I am blessed with the ability to write and get my thoughts out on "paper". Even if they are dark or distrubing....they are just thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a moment in time in which something struck me as awful or sad or depressing and I felt the need to get it out.

I appreciate you all reading my blog and caring so much about me that you take time out of your life to read a bit about mine. But don't worry about me....I am good. I am happy. I have a good life. A wonderful husband and good job....and one day I will be able to be a mother and enlighten myself in that aspect of happiness. And when that happens, not only will I experience that level of happiness, but I will also be able to bless each of you with another family member that will enrich your life as well. I know you all are looking forward to having a grandchild or niece/nephew. You will get it one day, I hope. The last thing I want to do is let you down in that area, too. (And yes, I mean too. I feel like I have been a let-down or failure in many aspects of our lives together. Not being the best sister or daughter that I could have been. I realize I could have done many many things better, and that is something I think about all the time.....but that is neither here nor there right now. That is a blog subject for another date & time. ha ha ha)

Mom- You are such a wise woman....a true hero in many more ways than you will ever realize. Patient and kind....so many words could be said yet none quite capture the true essence that is you. You inspire me.

Dad- Never have I seen a man with such passion for God. You will never cease to amaze me with your faith. If I had one ounce of the faith that you have, I would consider myself the luckiest person. No matter how old I get, I will never lose the 'little girl' complex that I have. You will forever be my Daddy and I love you so so much.

Philip- Wow...was I a crappy big sister, or what? I was so so mean and hateful to you...and for what? No reason....I loved you very much and never took the time to tell you or show you. I don't know why... Looking back I can't imagine what I would have done if something had ever happened to you. I would have never ever forgiven myself for treating you so badly. I hold you so close to my heart now. I hope you know that I love you very much and that if I could take back every hurtful thing that I said and did...I would do it in a heartbeat. I am glad that we have become the friends that we have. I consider you one of my best friends and I never imagined that we would get to this point, but I am so so glad we did. You are one half of the greatest brother duo in the world. I treasure you and our friendship that I know will only deepen as we get older.

JD- Baby brother. Where to even start. I can just repeat everything I said to Philip to you...as it all feels the same. I never meant to hurt you when we were growing up. I remember doing or saying something mean and as I would walk away, I could hear you cry. Those tears still haunt me. I don't know why I was the way I was. But I deeply regret everything. I hope that you can forgive me for being so rotten. You are the best baby brother and the second half of the greatest brother duo in the world. As with Philip, I love the relationship that we have acquired in the last few years. You are amazing. The friendship that we have attained is great and so fun! I love you very much!!

I just wanted to give each of you a little shout out and lay out some individual thoughts about each of you. Didn't want to be depressing or a downer....but wanted to let you know what I am feeling at this point in time. I love each and every one of you in different ways and yet strangely similar. You all mean the world to me and I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for you. You each enriched my life and different ways that formed the Caryn that is before you now.

So with my heart open and the vulnerability showing, please take my writing as is. Read nothing more behind it...there is no depression or sadness. I can't say there aren't tears or frustration, but this is my outlet. My venting is nothing more than an airing out of my thoughts. And it is mainly going to be mindless rambles. I hope you enjoy getting a glimpse into my thoughts and life....I know we are all so far apart now and don't keep in touch nearly as much as we would like to. So here is your chance to keep up with me...a little bit at a time. Of course what you will get here is a little more raw and up front than what I would say to you on the phone....but its still me.

Ok ok....I am not gonna keep going on this. Please just know that I am doing fine, I don't have any problems and if I did...you would know about it. I promise!!! I love each of you more than you will ever ever know!!!

And on the lighter side of things...to give you a quick update on whats going on in Caryns World (and that's the real Caryns world....not the one that you all tease me about with CareBears, etc. ha ha)

Harley brought a dead mouse into the house this past week. It was really disgusting. It was dead and stiff and she just carried it around in her mouth like it was a chew toy. And it was HUGE!! Come to think of it...maybe it was a rat. Ew!!! I put her back outside with it still in her mouth...she dropped it and I had to throw it behind the garage. I know, amazing that I touched it. Well, I had a rubber glove on...but I would have had Jeremy do it, but he was at work. Of course.

I cut my eyelid this week also. I was scratching it and must have had a hangnail or something because there was a small little cut on the crease. And of course it is all swollen and painful now. Fun stuff.

That's about it.. Oh, I have an interview for a management position next Wed. I hope I get it cause I know I would be really good at it and am qualified for the position, but if I don't get it, I am ok with that too. Just say a quick prayer for me that no matter what the result, it all goes ok.

And that's my life right now. Not fun or exciting, just same old same old. :)

I love you all.

Compliment me?

I don't get compliments often...and when I do, I don't really know how to handle them. It's weird for me. Not that I am complaining about getting them....but how does one handle getting a compliment. It isn't as though they teach you this in school. I find it hard to just smile and say thanks....my gut instinct is to run and hide, but that isn't too polite, is it? So instead I stumble around and stutter out a thank you, but....you know. "You have great hair" "Thanks, but I hate the color..." or "That looks great on you!" "Oh thanks, but it's so old!" etc, etc.

'Thanks, but' seems to be my favorite reaction to compliments. Not with the intention to be rude...i just kind of freeze when I am complimented. I wish I knew how to better receive the compliments. Just not in my nature, I guess. Too shy & reserved & self-conscience to think that anyone thinks anything good about me. And not only to think that they don't think it but certainly that they wouldn't say it.

So that's it. I love compliments, but I just need to work on handling them a bit better, I think.

A fun happy post *just for mom* :o)

Ok first off....i have this quiz of sorts. to kind of get a feeling of what you think of me. just go to this site and play along.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=carynmeshell

Ok, now on to the happy fun stuff.

I just want to say that I really love my husband. I don't know what's happened to him, but here lately he has really seemed to grow up and really appreciate our marriage & me. Not just appreciate, but accept and care. I have seen more demonstrations of caring from him in the past few months than I have in the past 7 yrs that we have been together. Maybe is because we are gonna celebrate our 5 yr anniversary in 6 months and he realized that I am not going anywhere...or that he realized that I am a good wife. I dunno....but whatever it is I LOVE IT! He actually asked me if I wanted anything for Valentine's Day. Now, to some of you, this may not seem like anything....but in the years that we have been together he has never asked me that or acted like it was anything special. Sure, I got flowers if I hinted at it or a ring if I showed him exactly what I wanted....but this year was different. He actually asked without me mentioning anything about it. (I told him I didn't want anything.) So the day comes and I decide to surprised him with flowers. He was getting a tattoo and I put them in his truck for a sweet surprise. Well, I get home from work that day and he has the cutest little gift for me. (See pics below.) It was really sweet. He said that he was gonna buy me some jewelry, but after getting the tat, he was in too much pain. I asked him if he decided to do it because I gave him the flowers and he said no. That he had actually been planning it before then! What?? Who are you?? lol. I asked him what he was gonna get, cause I am not really a jewelry changing type of girl...I pretty much stick with what I have because I love them... So anyway, he said that he knew I liked charm bracelets so he was gonna get me one of those and then next year get another charm for it... Awwww...isn't that the sweetest? As if I couldn't love him anymore, he goes and does something like that. That man is the greatest man, I tell ya.

And!! He is totally supporting a new career direction that I am gonna go. Usually he just says something to the effect of "ok" or "as long as you make good money"...but this time he is actually saying "If its what you want to do, then I support that". WOW!! That makes me feel so so good! So I am gonna go back to school and he hasn't even complained about the money that it will take for that....truely amazing. :) And THAT, my friends, is why I love my husband. Well that and because the sex is great. :) (LOL...had to throw that in there to freak out mom.)

I can't wait to make him a father. I know he will be absolutely fabulous at it....and I can't wait to grow old with him. He is such a great husband and will only get better as we get older. Along with our marriage.

So that's it....my thoughts today. See, mom...told you I wasn't always so depressing. hee hee.

Friendships

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am kind of a loser. I don't have a lot of friends...at least close ones. And so the ones that I do have, I really cherish. So you are holding on to this friendship and everything seems to be going fine...then one day there is this terrible tension. It comes from no where and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it. Of course...my mind starts racing through recent events to see if I somehow caused the riff that has seemed to develop. I try to be nice and fun and same old me...but there doesn't seem to be a change. Things are going back to the way they were. To no avail....days have passed and it seems to be staying the same or getting worse. An absolute teeter-totter of emotions.

As much as I love my friends, there has to be a point that I say no more. I cannot be the one to constantly reach out emotionally just to keep being rejected. My heart and mind can only take so much. Even a doormat gets raggedy and worn down after being stepped on so many times.

I have to stand up for myself. And if that makes me seems withdrawn or bitchy or rude, so be it. But I will not continue to be the one reach out in time of need only to be rejected or shot down. Even comments with the best of intentions are hurtful when said snidley or shortly.

So to my friends, I love each of you dearly. But please don't use me or expect me to stay around if you treat me badly. It is not in me anymore to be degraded in such a fashion. I am human and caring and understanding to the nth degree...but even I can only take so much. I will stand up for myself and I will distance myself from the negative energy that you give off. I do not need nor want to be around that type of person.

At the risk of losing me as a friend, continue on the path that you have carved for yourself or realize that that attitude you are carrying at the moment is not attractive or fun or nice. And I refuse to be around it.

confusion sets in

you ever feel like you are lost? like you are walking in a never ending black room. no lights, no sun, just black all around. surrounded by darkness with no way out. it starts to close in on you. can't breathe, can't move. frozen in time, frozen in place. you feel around, running hands down the wall, up one side and down the other...searching. not really knowing what you are searching for, but knowing that you can't stop. for the life of you, you can't stop searching. feeling around for a door or light switch. ANYTHING that will help you shed light on your situation. no idea what you are doing or where you are. just pure black. you have glimers of hope when you think your eyes are finally adjusting to the darkness. maybe now you can see, get some guidance, get out of this black hole....but there it is again. Complete darkness. The panic sets in again. Chest is getting tight for this situation is not good for the claustrophobic. Feels like you have been crawling and crying and feeling and fumbling for hours upon hours, to no avail. You are faced with two choices. Keep fighting for your life and hope for a way out or give up. Give up, curl up in a ball and cry. Cry yourself to death. Give up. No more hope. Everything is gone. Family, friends, light & life. No more smiles, no more sunshine on your face, no more hugs & kisses. Nothing but blackness. Deep dark hole with no way out. No hope. Giving up now....losing faith and hope. Can't keep trying. Just too hard. Can't do this anymore. Can't. Keep. Going. On.

I'm gonna brag

I just LOVE my family. I think they are the greatest family that God ever created. My parents are...just amazing. My brothers mean the world to me. I miss everyone with all my heart and wish we were all together again. With that said, I am gonna attach some pics of my family. One is all of us together, then some of just by younger bro JD, one of Philip & JD (both brothers), and a few of JD with his girlfriend KC. I am just so proud of and love my family, that I just wanted to share these photos.

New tattoo

Ok, so I have 3 tattoos now. My first one:

My second one:

And now my third one....I just got his one today and I love it!

So proud

I tell ya.....I am SO proud of myself!! let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my sleep....and I would much rather have fast food than spend the time to make something for dinner.

However, this week was different. I actually got up at 5:30am FOUR times this week and went to the gym!!! AND----we cooked dinner 3 times!!

It is absolutely amazing. Almost like we are real grown-ups. :)

amazing

i really love music. and to love the music, i think you have to love the lyrics. to me, music & lyrics are all one and the same...they make the song whole. heck, they ARE the song. i mean, without the lyrics you only have music and without the music you have hallow lyrics. and while they may be meaning full to read...without the spirituality of the music behind it...they are pretty much nothing. music can add so much to a set of lyrics...and vice versa.

so it totally amazes me when i hear a song and listen to the lyrics and realize that they really really, speak to me--for lack of a better phrase. lately i have been listening to Staind. i LOVE them...they are deep and soulful (of sorts) and honest and raw. anyway....while they can be pretty depressing, i really find them kind touching.

so i will share with you a couple of songs from Staind that really speak to me and relate to me and who i am and how i feel about me, my life, and my past...though i don't feel like this all the time...just occasionally i have fleeting thoughts of what i would have done different or what could have been.

"Schizophrenic Conversations"

                                                                         
                          Are you afraid, afraid of the truth           
                          In the mirror staring back at you.            
                    The image is cracked but so is the view, here.      
                    And the strength of a tree begins in the roots      
                               That I tend bury into you                
                      At least now the storm can't blow me away.        
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                   To blame like me.                    
                                                                        
                      Should I be afraid of this face that I see        
                           In the mirror staring back at me?            
                     So cold were the days when I listened to you.      
                    And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof      
                         Because I still exist in spite of you          
                        But I won't compete with you every day.         
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                   To blame like me.                    
                                                                        
                           Schizophrenic conversations that             
                            I'm always having with myself.              
                       I hear these voices in my head competing.        
                            Maybe I could use a little help             
                       I still have schizophrenic conversations         
                       Where there's no one else around to hear.        
                        I long for solitude and peace within me         
                          Void of all the anger and the fear.           
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                  Fucked up like me.                    
                                                                        
                           I'll show you how it feels to be             
                                   To blame like me                     
                                    Ashamed like me

"Falling"

You in your shell are you waiting for someone to rescue you from yourself.

Don't be disappointed when no one comes.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem

If you don't believe that you can find a way out you become the problem, become the problem.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

You, all alone, are you waiting for someone to make you whole?

Can't you see aren't you tired of this dysfunctional routine.

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem

If don't you believe that you can find a way out you you solve the problem, solve the problem.

Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
And if you believe you can find a way out
Then you've solved the problem, you've solved your problem.

2 Things

2 names you go by: Caryn & Sis
2 parts of your heritage: welsh & indian
2 things that scare you: jeremy dying in a fire & something happening to my family
2 of your everyday essentials: Bathroom & toothbrush
2 things you want in a relationship: trust & honesty
2 truths: my husband is such a great husband & i wish i hadn't screwed up my life
2 of your favorite hobbies: reading & being with jeremy
2 things you want really badly: shower & brush my teeth
2 places you want to go on vacation: anywhere & everywhere
2 things you want to do before you die: have children & get a career
2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude or chick: i am prissy & i have big boobs
2 things you are thinking about now: i should fast foward this show so i don't have to watch commercials & i miss jeremy
2 stores you shop at: target & old navy
2 personality quirks: no self-confidence & i cry A LOT
2 favorite items in the house: my husband & my dogs
2 stores i wish we had: none really
2 things that make me cry: the fact that i have royally screwed up my life & the fact that any time i try/want to fix it, there are multiple road blocks
2 things i wish I could do different: quit work to go back to school full time & be happier
2 things I do very badly: manage money & reproduce
2 favorite superheroes: my mom & dad
2 hidden talents: i don't know that it is hidden per se, but i can sing

My family

My family is absolutely crazy. Not only personality wise, but size as well...we just seem to keep growing and growing. My middle brother just got married in May...so he now has a wife. Then my baby brother (whom we all thought would be single and live with mom the rest of his life lol) got a girlfriend. Now, I love my brothers. They are my family and I am extremely protective of the people that I love...especially my family. If you are lucky enough to get into my circle of trust then I will always have your back and will always care & look out for you. If anyone messes with you, they mess with me...lol. (Any of my friends can attest to this fact...if any one hurts them, I tend to get really angry.) Anyway...back to my brothers. I will be the first to admit that when Philip started dating Amanda, I wasn't really sure about her. I could really see a change in my brother that I wasn't really sure I liked. So they dated..no big deal, just dating, right? Wrong. They got engaged. Ugh. I wasn't a happy camper, but my brother doesn't really listen when you try to talk to him about his life...he is stubborn. Just like the rest of us. It's a family trait, I guess. But I swallowed my non-happiness and helped him with the proposal...I love my brother and no matter what I feel about the person that he loves, more than anything I want him to be happy. So you swallow your feelings and get on with life. Which is what I did. So they get married. Now..lemme say that I don't really know why I didn't care for Amanda. It wasn't that she was a bad girl or did anything wrong to me...I just felt as though she didn't "fit" in my family. Does that make sense? I felt bad that we were all loud and obnoxious and overbearing and she was just kind of there. But I really felt like I tried and tried to get to know her or befriend her...to no avail. It just seemed like I kept getting stonewalled....So ok, I give up. But I can see now that my brother really really loves her..and so for that...I love her. And since they got married, they have really grown. Especially Philip. I really really hope that they are happy. (And Amanda...I don't know if you are or will read this, but I want you to know that no matter what feelings I may have had in the past, I do love you and have no hard feelings towards you at all. You are part of the family and I am glad you are.)

Now about Jonathan. He just met and started dating KC about 2 months ago. This girl....oh this girl. What can I say about her? She is crazy! But in a totally fun way. She is zany and fun and goofy...everything that I am. This might have been what caused the anomosity between me & Amanda....she is everything that I am not--so it was hard to get to know her. But KC is a different breed. It is actually a little freaky because she is A LOT like me. It is as though my brother is dating me. Creepy. LOL. But he is so happy...and so in love. I have never seen JD (Jonathan) with a girlfriend, much less giddy about a girl. But he loves her. You can see it in his eyes. He made his really sweet video thing for KC for Christmas...I cried. It was a sweet sweet sentiment . They have only been together for 2 months, but I can really see them getting married and living happily ever after. They are just such a fit...they belong together. She made him a video as well and one thing she said was "When God made you, he must have had me in mind." (or something close to that..) and I think that is true. They really do go together. Ah...young love. lol.

And to guide us all and show us the way in love, life, faith...you name it...is my mom & dad. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel about them. Supportive, caring, understanding, stern, giving, fun, relentless, faithful to God, loving, etc., etc. They are the greatest parents that a child could ask for. It amazes me how far they have come in life and are really flourishing now. Coming back from literally the bottom to be the happy, secure, content people that they are now really shows theat God blesses those that are faithful to him. I can only hope to be half the people, parents and Christians that they are.

So anyway, this kind of turned into a long winded post...but we all got together this weekend. The first time that we have all been together at once..including KC. We had a lot of laughs and just a whole lotta fun. I really really love my family. I have to think that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world for being blessed with the family that I have.

Now if only I could be blessed with expanding that family...

Go Courtney!

It's your birthday! lol just kidding. But I hope your night out went WONDERFUL and that Rob was a dream boat!!

Good luck girl!

Three Things

I saw this on Jess's blog and thought it looked like fun. :)

Three names I go by:
1) Caryn
2) Sis
3) Sweetie

Three screen names I've had:
1) carynmeshell
2) caryn21meshell
3) cmgreene

Three physical things I like about myself:
1) my eyes
2) my hair
3) my feet

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1) my stomach...it is much bigger than i would like
2) my hair...it gets really static-y in the winter.
3) pretty much everything, really. lol

Three parts of my heritage:
1) welsh
2) indian
3) german

Three things I am wearing right now:
1) sock
2) t-shirt
3) pajama pants.

Three favorite bands/musical artists:
1) staind
2) trapt
3) my family (who are all really musical)

Three things I want in a relationship:
1) trust
2) honesty
3) reliability

Two truths and a lie:
1) i am trying to lose at least 50 lbs.
2) i am a vegetarian.
3) i love my soaps

Three physical things about the opposit sex that appeal to me:
1) eyes
2) body
3) smile

Three favorite hobbies:
1) reading
2) spending time with my family
3) singing

Three things I want to do badly right now:
1) lose weight
2) sleep
3) get better

Three things that scare me:
1) my husband dying
2) losing my family
3) heights

Three of my everyday essentials:
1) Air
2) Water
3) husband

Three careers you have considered or are currently considering:
1) teacher
2) wedding planner
3) homicide detective

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1) Europe
2) East Coast
3) Australia & New Zealand.

Three kids names you like:
1) Irelyn Isabella
2) Whitney Elyse
3) Wesley Alexander

Three things you want to do before you die:
1) have kids
2) have a career that i love
3) be happy

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
1) i burp a lot
2) i love video games
3) i check out women (comparing maybe? lol)

Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
1) i like to shop
2) i don't like dirt
3) i cry..at anything. really. ANYTHING!

Three celeb crushes:
1) Orlando Bloom
2) Vince Vaughn
3) Owen/Luke Wilson

Three people I am tagging:
1) anyone who reads this. lol

Ugh...

I HATE being sick!! Hate it hate hate it!! I mean...who realy likes being sick...but I really hate it. I especially hate it when I can't talk. That really stinks!!!

I am a talker...Chatty Cathy, I am. And not being able to talk really puts a damper on things. Today at work was quite a stinker since I couldn't talk. Really sucked. Oh well. Went to the dr and they gave me medicine....now I have to take it and get it filled, but I am so exhausted. Maybe tomorrow....

A new year

Welp, it is a new year. Time for new beginnings....but what can you change when you already live a boring life? lol. I am going back to school this year. I WILL go back to school. I will get a degree in something that I want to be doing vs just doing something because I have to pay the bills. I like my job enough, but I want something that I LOVE. I want some freedom. And I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? But what career do I choose? There are so many things that I like and am interested in, how do I choose just one? Quite a predicament. So I shall see a career counselor for some guidance in what would be best for me. Hopefully whatever I should be doing will also succeed in making my career life happy. But we shall see.

I will also lose weight. I WILL go to the gym at least 3 times a week...even if for 30 minutes. I will lose some weight and get toned. I will be hot. My husband will think I am sexy and will want me.

So those are my pledges...resolutions, if you will. Oh and I also would like to be a better housekeeper. My housekeeping skills SUCK. 'Course Jeremy's aren't much better, so I guess we will both need to work on it. lol.

So here's to a Happy New Year. I hope each and every one of you are blessed in this new year with new adventures and new endeavors.