So, I know I don't update as often as I should...but I am going to try to get better. I need to get back to writing (so says my cousin, Stephanie) and it really does help...so it's a new resolution.
Lot's of changes in my life right now. Jeremy & I have decided to separate. It's really hard and it really sucks, but right now it's what we need, I think. When did life get so hard? I think we just go so comfortable and so complacent with each other that we lost our love. We lost our passion and our desire for each other. We have made a plan to separate for a month or so and just rediscover each other. We will talk and hang out and date...and just see where it goes. We need to find the happiness within ourselves before we can expect to be happy in our marriage.
So...now I just have to adjust to being alone. I am really ok with it, though. I think it will be really good for us. And no matter how it turns out, I will know that we both gave it all we could. We are both so heartbroken and sad with where we have landed, but we don't see any other choice.
I don't know what will happen after this separation...all I can do is pray that God shows me his plan. I know he has one. And I know that I will see it eventually. It is just hard for me to comprehend said plan when I am experiencing so much heartache. But I know it will come. This too shall pass, right?
I just ask that whomever reads this (if anyone does, lol) that you keep us in your prayers. We really need it.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Sunday, May 20, 2007
She looks in the mirror and sees her naked body reflected back. Her belly bulging, her breasts sagging, the fat on her arms hanging down, and her thighs tightly pressed together.
"No wonder you are all alone." The thoughts ring in a whisper over & over in her head. An evil echo that cannot be silenced. She paws at her head, willing the words to stop. She silently cries as she knows she will never hush the voices that taunt her with her deepest fears. All alone. Forever. Nothing but darkness in her life.
She glances up at the mirror and sees the tears that fall down her cheeks. The mascara forming lonely black rivers down her plump cheeks. Her deep brown eyes reflecting the fear and loneliness that rings inside her hollow shell. She can barely see through the tears, but her eye catches the darkness that frames her body from behind. Slowly, she turns to see what hides behind her. Her eyes search, but they see nothing. Waiting for a moment, she chokes back the fear and allows time for her site to adjust to the complete dark that has taken over. She soon finds out that site cannot adjust to complete black. No light shines through, no break in the color, no redeeming site to find. Only black. Black & complete darkness surround her.
The fear she held back started to well inside her chest. The tears came in waves. She gasped for breath...her only sign of life. She reached out her hand, hoping & praying to feel something. Anything that would regain her confidence that all was not lost. She prayed to God to allow her some comfort. She didn't pray for a door or a window or a small ray of light. She didn't pray for rescue or help...just a wall. A wall that says she is at least somewhere in this world. Not floating in the midst. She prayed to be grounded on this earth so that one day she could wake up from the nightmare and see those she loves once again.
She continues to feel through the darkness, stumbling along praying for something. Anything. She cannot be all alone in nothing-ness. She is no where, with nothing around. She remembers the mirror. Even though she felt worthless, at least she didn't feel totally alone. She was able to be with herself and see something. She whips around, full of hope that there is a redeeming grace behind her. The mirror is gone. She is met with complete darkness yet again.
She cannot understand. Where did her world go? What happened to her? Once upon a time, she was happy and the world was sunny. She could smile and mean it. There was no self doubt, no feel of failure, no feeling of complete uselessness.
She finally gave up searching. Her arm was tired from all the stretching and her heart was tired from all the yearning. She curled into a ball and accepted that this was her fate. She was alone in this world. She was here for herself and herself alone. No one will help, no one will rescue. No one will connect with her. The tears began to fall as the realization set it. She was truly alone. Alone in the dark, with only her tears and thoughts to keep her alive.
"No wonder you are all alone." The thoughts ring in a whisper over & over in her head. An evil echo that cannot be silenced. She paws at her head, willing the words to stop. She silently cries as she knows she will never hush the voices that taunt her with her deepest fears. All alone. Forever. Nothing but darkness in her life.
She glances up at the mirror and sees the tears that fall down her cheeks. The mascara forming lonely black rivers down her plump cheeks. Her deep brown eyes reflecting the fear and loneliness that rings inside her hollow shell. She can barely see through the tears, but her eye catches the darkness that frames her body from behind. Slowly, she turns to see what hides behind her. Her eyes search, but they see nothing. Waiting for a moment, she chokes back the fear and allows time for her site to adjust to the complete dark that has taken over. She soon finds out that site cannot adjust to complete black. No light shines through, no break in the color, no redeeming site to find. Only black. Black & complete darkness surround her.
The fear she held back started to well inside her chest. The tears came in waves. She gasped for breath...her only sign of life. She reached out her hand, hoping & praying to feel something. Anything that would regain her confidence that all was not lost. She prayed to God to allow her some comfort. She didn't pray for a door or a window or a small ray of light. She didn't pray for rescue or help...just a wall. A wall that says she is at least somewhere in this world. Not floating in the midst. She prayed to be grounded on this earth so that one day she could wake up from the nightmare and see those she loves once again.
She continues to feel through the darkness, stumbling along praying for something. Anything. She cannot be all alone in nothing-ness. She is no where, with nothing around. She remembers the mirror. Even though she felt worthless, at least she didn't feel totally alone. She was able to be with herself and see something. She whips around, full of hope that there is a redeeming grace behind her. The mirror is gone. She is met with complete darkness yet again.
She cannot understand. Where did her world go? What happened to her? Once upon a time, she was happy and the world was sunny. She could smile and mean it. There was no self doubt, no feel of failure, no feeling of complete uselessness.
She finally gave up searching. Her arm was tired from all the stretching and her heart was tired from all the yearning. She curled into a ball and accepted that this was her fate. She was alone in this world. She was here for herself and herself alone. No one will help, no one will rescue. No one will connect with her. The tears began to fall as the realization set it. She was truly alone. Alone in the dark, with only her tears and thoughts to keep her alive.
Just some old poems
About 10 years ago, I started a poem book, of sorts. On occasion, I am blessed with words that I put in a poem and I decided that instead of just jotting them down on multiple pieces of paper that are scattered everywhere, I would keep them all compiled in a book. I don't write in it often, but there are a few pieces that I thought would be fun to share.
========================
Your soft eyelashes brush my cheek
As you kiss away my tears,
Your smile warms my heart and
Sooths all my fears away.
I don't know why you
love me like you do,
All I know is I am lucky to have
a love as great as you.
===========================
Healing
A smile flashes
Saying everything is alright
Inside, the tears are all
I am trying to fight.
With pain and sorrow
Dwelling inside
I will not let you know
ABout the hurt I have to hide.
I will not show my weakness
in how you hurt me so,
But lead you to believe
that happiness is all I know.
Be strong and happy,
Mask the pain inside,
With a beautiful smile
Instead of leaving my heart open wide
for all to see what I feel.
Though you have hurt me,
I know that I will eventually heal.
=============================
========================
Your soft eyelashes brush my cheek
As you kiss away my tears,
Your smile warms my heart and
Sooths all my fears away.
I don't know why you
love me like you do,
All I know is I am lucky to have
a love as great as you.
===========================
Healing
A smile flashes
Saying everything is alright
Inside, the tears are all
I am trying to fight.
With pain and sorrow
Dwelling inside
I will not let you know
ABout the hurt I have to hide.
I will not show my weakness
in how you hurt me so,
But lead you to believe
that happiness is all I know.
Be strong and happy,
Mask the pain inside,
With a beautiful smile
Instead of leaving my heart open wide
for all to see what I feel.
Though you have hurt me,
I know that I will eventually heal.
=============================
Sunday, February 18, 2007
wow
I just realized that it has been quite a few months since I have last posted anything. With the furor that is MySpace, it seems that blogging here has kind of fallen by the wayside. Not that much in my life has changed, but I will try to update what I can.
First off, I got a new job. Woohoo!!! I have been there for about 3 months and so far, I like it alright. It certainly isn't my dream job, but it is better from where I came.
Jeremy's band is doing awesome. They are making some great strides in promotion and just getting out there. In January, they played something like 6-8 shows. It was exhausting. But I am really proud of them and am doing all I can to help them out. Check out their site www.myspace.com/bothersomekc and listen to a few of their songs.
Goin' on 3 years now and still no baby, but that's alright. It is what it is.
My baby brother is getting married this June. I feel incredibly old, but that's alright. He is happy and that's all that matters.
OH!! And we found a new church. It is a great new church that has only been around for about 3 months...but it is so contemporary and upbeat. It is a great church and has great possibility. I am really excited about it!!
So, I still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have this yearning to do something and be something. Not that I want to be a big somebody or be in the spot light or anything, but I want to do something. If I could do it, I would be a firefighter or a cop...but I can't do that. Don't have the heart (or strength) for it. But what do I do? I have this overwhelming urge to fulfill some purpose in my life. In all my years, I thought that purpose was to be a mom, but now I am wondering if it is something else. But what? I want to go back to school, but I don't want to go with no goal in mind. I don't want to spend the money and not know what it is for. I am totally fine with not having a degree if I am still happy and fulfilled. So what do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? I just don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out. Got any suggestions for me?
First off, I got a new job. Woohoo!!! I have been there for about 3 months and so far, I like it alright. It certainly isn't my dream job, but it is better from where I came.
Jeremy's band is doing awesome. They are making some great strides in promotion and just getting out there. In January, they played something like 6-8 shows. It was exhausting. But I am really proud of them and am doing all I can to help them out. Check out their site www.myspace.com/bothersomekc and listen to a few of their songs.
Goin' on 3 years now and still no baby, but that's alright. It is what it is.
My baby brother is getting married this June. I feel incredibly old, but that's alright. He is happy and that's all that matters.
OH!! And we found a new church. It is a great new church that has only been around for about 3 months...but it is so contemporary and upbeat. It is a great church and has great possibility. I am really excited about it!!
So, I still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have this yearning to do something and be something. Not that I want to be a big somebody or be in the spot light or anything, but I want to do something. If I could do it, I would be a firefighter or a cop...but I can't do that. Don't have the heart (or strength) for it. But what do I do? I have this overwhelming urge to fulfill some purpose in my life. In all my years, I thought that purpose was to be a mom, but now I am wondering if it is something else. But what? I want to go back to school, but I don't want to go with no goal in mind. I don't want to spend the money and not know what it is for. I am totally fine with not having a degree if I am still happy and fulfilled. So what do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? I just don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out. Got any suggestions for me?
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Gone but not forgotten
No, I am not writing about the events on 9/11. Today is still 9/10. And today is Grandparent's Day. In the last year & a half, I have lost all 4 grandparents. It is a strange feeling to actually REMEMBER that today is Grandparent's Day, but not have anyone to call. No Nana to tell that you love her. No Papa to hug tightly. They are gone. Their memory & their love will live on forever, but it just isn't the same.
Looking back, I realize that I was an awful grandaughter. I didn't call them enough, didn't write. I was lucky if I remembered their birthdays. I didn't deserve their love, though I hope they knew that I loved them with all my heart. With no calls, no letters...they were never far from my thoughts. Anytime I would make chocolate chip cookies or see As the World Turns, I immediately thought of my dear Nana. Whenever I heard someone whistling or saw something on the Air Force...my Papa was at the forefront of my mind. I have pictures of them in my house. I can't bear to look at them now. The song that was played at Nana's funeral is on my mp3 player. It will play at work and it is all I can do to not break down in tears right there at my desk.
Today was a good day...made some treats for the guys at the fire station. It was raining--and I LOVE rain! I head out to run a few errands and at the end of the street is a cemetary. I look over and there is a family huddled under an umbrella standing over a grave. It suddenly dawns on me that today is Grandparent's Day and I have no grandparents. I don't even have a grave close to me to stand over. I immediately broke down into tears.
It breaks my heart that they are gone. They lived a full and wonderful life. They loved each other and their family so so much. Its funny cause people always say that you never want to see a person when they die cause that will be the last image that you have of them in your mind. While this is true...when I think of Papa, my mind does not immediately think of him in his bed after he took his last shred of breath. It immediately jumps to Nana trying to close his mouth so she can kiss him one more time. It remembers the incredible hugs that he used to give me all the time. He would whisper in my ear how glad he was to see me and that he loved me. I wish I could have seen him more. I wish I could have just one more hug. "Good Morning, Sunshine" will never have the same ring as it did when he would say it. And Nana. Oh my Nana. I will never tell anyone at their dinner table that I don't like something. They might give me a second helping. I credit her for my addiction to Soap Operas. And for my love of baking.
I miss them loads. I know they are in Heaven smiling down on me and telling me that they know that I love them. But I hope they knew when they were here. When they were alive. They influenced so much of my life...so much of my being. Life won't be the same without them around.
To my wonderful Grandparents who are lucky enough to be in a better place: Please know that you were truly the beacon of light in this family. No one would be who they are without you. Know that I love you with every fiber of my being & that I am sorry for not showing it more while you were with us. Please guide us as we carry on through life without you. Continue to show us the way in God & life. You are missed and You are loved.
Looking back, I realize that I was an awful grandaughter. I didn't call them enough, didn't write. I was lucky if I remembered their birthdays. I didn't deserve their love, though I hope they knew that I loved them with all my heart. With no calls, no letters...they were never far from my thoughts. Anytime I would make chocolate chip cookies or see As the World Turns, I immediately thought of my dear Nana. Whenever I heard someone whistling or saw something on the Air Force...my Papa was at the forefront of my mind. I have pictures of them in my house. I can't bear to look at them now. The song that was played at Nana's funeral is on my mp3 player. It will play at work and it is all I can do to not break down in tears right there at my desk.
Today was a good day...made some treats for the guys at the fire station. It was raining--and I LOVE rain! I head out to run a few errands and at the end of the street is a cemetary. I look over and there is a family huddled under an umbrella standing over a grave. It suddenly dawns on me that today is Grandparent's Day and I have no grandparents. I don't even have a grave close to me to stand over. I immediately broke down into tears.
It breaks my heart that they are gone. They lived a full and wonderful life. They loved each other and their family so so much. Its funny cause people always say that you never want to see a person when they die cause that will be the last image that you have of them in your mind. While this is true...when I think of Papa, my mind does not immediately think of him in his bed after he took his last shred of breath. It immediately jumps to Nana trying to close his mouth so she can kiss him one more time. It remembers the incredible hugs that he used to give me all the time. He would whisper in my ear how glad he was to see me and that he loved me. I wish I could have seen him more. I wish I could have just one more hug. "Good Morning, Sunshine" will never have the same ring as it did when he would say it. And Nana. Oh my Nana. I will never tell anyone at their dinner table that I don't like something. They might give me a second helping. I credit her for my addiction to Soap Operas. And for my love of baking.
I miss them loads. I know they are in Heaven smiling down on me and telling me that they know that I love them. But I hope they knew when they were here. When they were alive. They influenced so much of my life...so much of my being. Life won't be the same without them around.
To my wonderful Grandparents who are lucky enough to be in a better place: Please know that you were truly the beacon of light in this family. No one would be who they are without you. Know that I love you with every fiber of my being & that I am sorry for not showing it more while you were with us. Please guide us as we carry on through life without you. Continue to show us the way in God & life. You are missed and You are loved.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
5 years ago
August 31, 2001
Today, I married the man of my dreams. He fits me perfectly. I know our love will grow, our lives will grow & we will grow. I never knew that I could love anyone as deeply as I love him. All I can do now is look to our future and know that our love will weather any storm, shelter us from any harm and last a lifetime.
August 31, 2006
It has been 5 years since I married my love. At the time, I knew that I loved him. We had been through a lot, but were still so much in love. Now that we have been married, life is different than it was before, but the love hasn't changed. I love him more today than I ever have before and will love him more tomorrow than I do today. He has my heart for now & evermore.
Thank you for a (mostly) wonderful 5 years, Jeremy. I love you more than I think you will ever know. The love runs deeper than even I realize. I look forward to living out our lives together, growing old & falling more in love with you over the next however many years. Love you babe.
Today, I married the man of my dreams. He fits me perfectly. I know our love will grow, our lives will grow & we will grow. I never knew that I could love anyone as deeply as I love him. All I can do now is look to our future and know that our love will weather any storm, shelter us from any harm and last a lifetime.
August 31, 2006
It has been 5 years since I married my love. At the time, I knew that I loved him. We had been through a lot, but were still so much in love. Now that we have been married, life is different than it was before, but the love hasn't changed. I love him more today than I ever have before and will love him more tomorrow than I do today. He has my heart for now & evermore.
Thank you for a (mostly) wonderful 5 years, Jeremy. I love you more than I think you will ever know. The love runs deeper than even I realize. I look forward to living out our lives together, growing old & falling more in love with you over the next however many years. Love you babe.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Good bye my Nana
November wasn't long ago....just 5 short months. That's when we lost my dear Papa. November 19th was a sad day in my family. April 2nd was another sad day. We lost my dear Nana. She was sad & sick and not doing so well. It was time for her to leave us and join Jesus & reunite with her one true love in heaven. Not only did she get a chance to meet Jesus, but she was able to see my dear Papa again, and her daughter Elyse who passed away 10 years ago. I know it was a joyous day for her...though extremely sad for us.
She was a great woman...she loved her family and God. She wasn't perfect, but we all treasured her just the same. She loved us all with all her heart and wanted only the best for us. As sad as we are that she is no longer with us, we are comforted in the fact that she is where she wanted to be. She held on longer than any of us thought she would. She hated being seperated from her true love...she missed him every second of every day.
Nana, I know you are in a better place right now. Looking and smilling down on us. Guiding us and watching over us as we continue our lives on Earth. We all look forward to the day we will be rejoined with you in Heaven. You were a great woman that taught your family many many things. We love you and cherish you and the memories you created for each of us.
I love you and miss you and will always be your little Sunshine Face.
She was a great woman...she loved her family and God. She wasn't perfect, but we all treasured her just the same. She loved us all with all her heart and wanted only the best for us. As sad as we are that she is no longer with us, we are comforted in the fact that she is where she wanted to be. She held on longer than any of us thought she would. She hated being seperated from her true love...she missed him every second of every day.
Nana, I know you are in a better place right now. Looking and smilling down on us. Guiding us and watching over us as we continue our lives on Earth. We all look forward to the day we will be rejoined with you in Heaven. You were a great woman that taught your family many many things. We love you and cherish you and the memories you created for each of us.
I love you and miss you and will always be your little Sunshine Face.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Family
I hate that my family lives so far away from me. I feel like we are so distant now. I hate it. My parents have each other and my brothers have each other....and I have no one. I do have my husband, but it isn't the same. I miss my family. I miss my dad and his hugs, I miss my mom & our shopping trips, I miss Philip and the teasing that we always did to him, I miss JD and his....well, just JD. I love that JD & Philip are so close (as they have always been) but in all honesty, I feel so left out of my family. KC mentioned on her blog that Amanda (Kc=Jd's girlfriend & Amanda=Philips wife) is one of her best friends. I am so so happy that they are all so close, but I read that and my heart broke a bit. I used to be so so close to my family, but now I feel like I don't even know them. I feel that closeness slipping away.
It's really hard sometimes to be all alone.
It's really hard sometimes to be all alone.
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