Well, I have finally jumped on the bandwagon...gonna join the crowd and start my own blog. I must warn you that I don't know what I will say...or if I will even say anything. Well anything that makes any sense. :)
I can't even tell you what brings me to start this online diary. My sometimes guilt ridden depression that I have ruined my husbands life and am making him absolutely miserable on a day to day basis? The fact that after trying for a year & a half, we are STILL not pregnant? And that it is all my fault that we don't have a baby? Or maybe it is that I feel I have been a terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend, etc to anyone & everyone in my life. The feeling that I have been a big dissapointment to everyone I love the most haunts me. I can't get past it.
I wonder what it would be like to live without these feelings? I have never had a day go by that I don't somehow feel guilty or worried or scared that something will go wrong in my life. Guilty for things in my past that have caused my life to be the way it is now. Worried that I will never be able to get out of this drowning pool of debt or being overweight. Scared that I will not be able to survive without my parents living so close. Scared of my husband, my dear dear husband, realizing that I am a big mistake and not loving me anymore. Scared that one day I will come home from work and he will be gone. Out of my life forever. How could I survive that? How could I go on? I love him so fiercely, but I realize that I am to blame for 99.99999% of our problems. How does one deal with that? How, HOW, can I begin to forgive myself and move on to a happier life?
My family is my rock. In two weeks they will be gone. Gone will be the days of my driving to walmart and stopping at their house to say a quick hello. I will no longer be able to go on an all day shopping spree with my mom on a random Saturday. Or spend my lunch hour with my daddy at work. I know, deep down in my heart that them leaving and going back to the church is what my daddy needs. He NEEDS to go back to being a pastor. He has been out of the church for 5 years. And when you know you should be doing something, when it is your calling, you know that you have to be doing it. And any time away kills you little bit by little bit. So it will be good for them. I know that. But it will be so so hard for me. And yes, I realize that I am being extremely selfish by saying that. But they are my life line...my rock. It will be a tough adjustment...a tough couple of months ahead of me. *sigh* oh well
But--as bad as it all sounds. I know Jeremy loves me. Even if he blames me and resents me...he does love me. And I know other people love me. I know I have touched a few lives along the way. Some that remember me...some that cherish me.
At least I hope so...
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Mumbo-jumbo, mindless ramblings, and just a little bit about me.
8 comments:
Just know that I so cherish you! You are a wonderful friend to me.. and I will always be here when you need a shoulder to cry on! I may not have the answers.. but I will listen!
GOD BLESS You My Sweet, Sweet Friend!
Susie
Susie said it very well! (as always;-) ) I remember and cherish you! I look forward to reading this and getting the inside looks, so to speak, of your life and who you are. It can't all be put on the boards. I'll be on the list of you want to call;-) ever!
(((hugs!))))
A - APRILSHANE
Aw, thanks April!! It is nice to know that people care...just reminds me that I am not alone in this world. Thank you!
Oh friend,
You are SO loved.
SO adored.
SO cherished.
-Jes
Hey Caryn. I just want you to know that I love you. You have been a great friend to me, although I am still waiting on my baked goodies LMAO! If you ever need anything at all, you know where to reach me.
I dropped in to read and am already hooked! I will be stopping by to say hello often! Helen.
Caryn-No child has ever been more loved, wanted and cherished than you. You are my greatest joy and pride. I will miss you dearly but we will only be a few hours away. We will see you often. And, our times together will be that much more special. Jeremy loves you. We love you. You have nothing to feel guilty for. We all make mistakes in our past. The guilt only weighs us down and allows the mistakes to control us. Take those mistakes and learn from them. Become the best person you can be. God only has good things planned for your life. Let him show them to you. Release the guilt. Read the poem you wrote for your friends. Everyone wishes the same for you. It will happen!!!! You are loved sweetheart!!! Mom
Beautiful, loved, appreciated, talented, amazing, sensitive, great sense of humor, great conversation, wonderful to be around.... This is the way I see you! Even if it doesn't happen, you are still my girl! HUGS
My heart is hurting because we are moving.... I love you and who you are... dad
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