So proud

I tell ya.....I am SO proud of myself!! let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my sleep....and I would much rather have fast food than spend the time to make something for dinner.

However, this week was different. I actually got up at 5:30am FOUR times this week and went to the gym!!! AND----we cooked dinner 3 times!!

It is absolutely amazing. Almost like we are real grown-ups. :)

amazing

i really love music. and to love the music, i think you have to love the lyrics. to me, music & lyrics are all one and the same...they make the song whole. heck, they ARE the song. i mean, without the lyrics you only have music and without the music you have hallow lyrics. and while they may be meaning full to read...without the spirituality of the music behind it...they are pretty much nothing. music can add so much to a set of lyrics...and vice versa.

so it totally amazes me when i hear a song and listen to the lyrics and realize that they really really, speak to me--for lack of a better phrase. lately i have been listening to Staind. i LOVE them...they are deep and soulful (of sorts) and honest and raw. anyway....while they can be pretty depressing, i really find them kind touching.

so i will share with you a couple of songs from Staind that really speak to me and relate to me and who i am and how i feel about me, my life, and my past...though i don't feel like this all the time...just occasionally i have fleeting thoughts of what i would have done different or what could have been.

"Schizophrenic Conversations"

                                                                         
                          Are you afraid, afraid of the truth           
                          In the mirror staring back at you.            
                    The image is cracked but so is the view, here.      
                    And the strength of a tree begins in the roots      
                               That I tend bury into you                
                      At least now the storm can't blow me away.        
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                   To blame like me.                    
                                                                        
                      Should I be afraid of this face that I see        
                           In the mirror staring back at me?            
                     So cold were the days when I listened to you.      
                    And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof      
                         Because I still exist in spite of you          
                        But I won't compete with you every day.         
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                   To blame like me.                    
                                                                        
                           Schizophrenic conversations that             
                            I'm always having with myself.              
                       I hear these voices in my head competing.        
                            Maybe I could use a little help             
                       I still have schizophrenic conversations         
                       Where there's no one else around to hear.        
                        I long for solitude and peace within me         
                          Void of all the anger and the fear.           
                                                                        
                           So crawl inside my head with me.             
                           I'll show you how it feels to be,            
                                  Fucked up like me.                    
                                                                        
                           I'll show you how it feels to be             
                                   To blame like me                     
                                    Ashamed like me

"Falling"

You in your shell are you waiting for someone to rescue you from yourself.

Don't be disappointed when no one comes.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem

If you don't believe that you can find a way out you become the problem, become the problem.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

You, all alone, are you waiting for someone to make you whole?

Can't you see aren't you tired of this dysfunctional routine.

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem

If don't you believe that you can find a way out you you solve the problem, solve the problem.

Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
And if you believe you can find a way out
Then you've solved the problem, you've solved your problem.

2 Things

2 names you go by: Caryn & Sis
2 parts of your heritage: welsh & indian
2 things that scare you: jeremy dying in a fire & something happening to my family
2 of your everyday essentials: Bathroom & toothbrush
2 things you want in a relationship: trust & honesty
2 truths: my husband is such a great husband & i wish i hadn't screwed up my life
2 of your favorite hobbies: reading & being with jeremy
2 things you want really badly: shower & brush my teeth
2 places you want to go on vacation: anywhere & everywhere
2 things you want to do before you die: have children & get a career
2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude or chick: i am prissy & i have big boobs
2 things you are thinking about now: i should fast foward this show so i don't have to watch commercials & i miss jeremy
2 stores you shop at: target & old navy
2 personality quirks: no self-confidence & i cry A LOT
2 favorite items in the house: my husband & my dogs
2 stores i wish we had: none really
2 things that make me cry: the fact that i have royally screwed up my life & the fact that any time i try/want to fix it, there are multiple road blocks
2 things i wish I could do different: quit work to go back to school full time & be happier
2 things I do very badly: manage money & reproduce
2 favorite superheroes: my mom & dad
2 hidden talents: i don't know that it is hidden per se, but i can sing

My family

My family is absolutely crazy. Not only personality wise, but size as well...we just seem to keep growing and growing. My middle brother just got married in May...so he now has a wife. Then my baby brother (whom we all thought would be single and live with mom the rest of his life lol) got a girlfriend. Now, I love my brothers. They are my family and I am extremely protective of the people that I love...especially my family. If you are lucky enough to get into my circle of trust then I will always have your back and will always care & look out for you. If anyone messes with you, they mess with me...lol. (Any of my friends can attest to this fact...if any one hurts them, I tend to get really angry.) Anyway...back to my brothers. I will be the first to admit that when Philip started dating Amanda, I wasn't really sure about her. I could really see a change in my brother that I wasn't really sure I liked. So they dated..no big deal, just dating, right? Wrong. They got engaged. Ugh. I wasn't a happy camper, but my brother doesn't really listen when you try to talk to him about his life...he is stubborn. Just like the rest of us. It's a family trait, I guess. But I swallowed my non-happiness and helped him with the proposal...I love my brother and no matter what I feel about the person that he loves, more than anything I want him to be happy. So you swallow your feelings and get on with life. Which is what I did. So they get married. Now..lemme say that I don't really know why I didn't care for Amanda. It wasn't that she was a bad girl or did anything wrong to me...I just felt as though she didn't "fit" in my family. Does that make sense? I felt bad that we were all loud and obnoxious and overbearing and she was just kind of there. But I really felt like I tried and tried to get to know her or befriend her...to no avail. It just seemed like I kept getting stonewalled....So ok, I give up. But I can see now that my brother really really loves her..and so for that...I love her. And since they got married, they have really grown. Especially Philip. I really really hope that they are happy. (And Amanda...I don't know if you are or will read this, but I want you to know that no matter what feelings I may have had in the past, I do love you and have no hard feelings towards you at all. You are part of the family and I am glad you are.)

Now about Jonathan. He just met and started dating KC about 2 months ago. This girl....oh this girl. What can I say about her? She is crazy! But in a totally fun way. She is zany and fun and goofy...everything that I am. This might have been what caused the anomosity between me & Amanda....she is everything that I am not--so it was hard to get to know her. But KC is a different breed. It is actually a little freaky because she is A LOT like me. It is as though my brother is dating me. Creepy. LOL. But he is so happy...and so in love. I have never seen JD (Jonathan) with a girlfriend, much less giddy about a girl. But he loves her. You can see it in his eyes. He made his really sweet video thing for KC for Christmas...I cried. It was a sweet sweet sentiment . They have only been together for 2 months, but I can really see them getting married and living happily ever after. They are just such a fit...they belong together. She made him a video as well and one thing she said was "When God made you, he must have had me in mind." (or something close to that..) and I think that is true. They really do go together. Ah...young love. lol.

And to guide us all and show us the way in love, life, faith...you name it...is my mom & dad. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel about them. Supportive, caring, understanding, stern, giving, fun, relentless, faithful to God, loving, etc., etc. They are the greatest parents that a child could ask for. It amazes me how far they have come in life and are really flourishing now. Coming back from literally the bottom to be the happy, secure, content people that they are now really shows theat God blesses those that are faithful to him. I can only hope to be half the people, parents and Christians that they are.

So anyway, this kind of turned into a long winded post...but we all got together this weekend. The first time that we have all been together at once..including KC. We had a lot of laughs and just a whole lotta fun. I really really love my family. I have to think that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world for being blessed with the family that I have.

Now if only I could be blessed with expanding that family...

Go Courtney!

It's your birthday! lol just kidding. But I hope your night out went WONDERFUL and that Rob was a dream boat!!

Good luck girl!

Three Things

I saw this on Jess's blog and thought it looked like fun. :)

Three names I go by:
1) Caryn
2) Sis
3) Sweetie

Three screen names I've had:
1) carynmeshell
2) caryn21meshell
3) cmgreene

Three physical things I like about myself:
1) my eyes
2) my hair
3) my feet

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1) my stomach...it is much bigger than i would like
2) my hair...it gets really static-y in the winter.
3) pretty much everything, really. lol

Three parts of my heritage:
1) welsh
2) indian
3) german

Three things I am wearing right now:
1) sock
2) t-shirt
3) pajama pants.

Three favorite bands/musical artists:
1) staind
2) trapt
3) my family (who are all really musical)

Three things I want in a relationship:
1) trust
2) honesty
3) reliability

Two truths and a lie:
1) i am trying to lose at least 50 lbs.
2) i am a vegetarian.
3) i love my soaps

Three physical things about the opposit sex that appeal to me:
1) eyes
2) body
3) smile

Three favorite hobbies:
1) reading
2) spending time with my family
3) singing

Three things I want to do badly right now:
1) lose weight
2) sleep
3) get better

Three things that scare me:
1) my husband dying
2) losing my family
3) heights

Three of my everyday essentials:
1) Air
2) Water
3) husband

Three careers you have considered or are currently considering:
1) teacher
2) wedding planner
3) homicide detective

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1) Europe
2) East Coast
3) Australia & New Zealand.

Three kids names you like:
1) Irelyn Isabella
2) Whitney Elyse
3) Wesley Alexander

Three things you want to do before you die:
1) have kids
2) have a career that i love
3) be happy

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
1) i burp a lot
2) i love video games
3) i check out women (comparing maybe? lol)

Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
1) i like to shop
2) i don't like dirt
3) i cry..at anything. really. ANYTHING!

Three celeb crushes:
1) Orlando Bloom
2) Vince Vaughn
3) Owen/Luke Wilson

Three people I am tagging:
1) anyone who reads this. lol

Ugh...

I HATE being sick!! Hate it hate hate it!! I mean...who realy likes being sick...but I really hate it. I especially hate it when I can't talk. That really stinks!!!

I am a talker...Chatty Cathy, I am. And not being able to talk really puts a damper on things. Today at work was quite a stinker since I couldn't talk. Really sucked. Oh well. Went to the dr and they gave me medicine....now I have to take it and get it filled, but I am so exhausted. Maybe tomorrow....

A new year

Welp, it is a new year. Time for new beginnings....but what can you change when you already live a boring life? lol. I am going back to school this year. I WILL go back to school. I will get a degree in something that I want to be doing vs just doing something because I have to pay the bills. I like my job enough, but I want something that I LOVE. I want some freedom. And I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? But what career do I choose? There are so many things that I like and am interested in, how do I choose just one? Quite a predicament. So I shall see a career counselor for some guidance in what would be best for me. Hopefully whatever I should be doing will also succeed in making my career life happy. But we shall see.

I will also lose weight. I WILL go to the gym at least 3 times a week...even if for 30 minutes. I will lose some weight and get toned. I will be hot. My husband will think I am sexy and will want me.

So those are my pledges...resolutions, if you will. Oh and I also would like to be a better housekeeper. My housekeeping skills SUCK. 'Course Jeremy's aren't much better, so I guess we will both need to work on it. lol.

So here's to a Happy New Year. I hope each and every one of you are blessed in this new year with new adventures and new endeavors.