oh wow

I love my husband. And I think he is super hot.....but DAMN! Some of his firemen buddies? WOW! They are some fine lookin' men! And fun to hang out with as well.

Oohhhhh...they will bless me with pleasant dreams for awhile. LOL

Good news!!

Ok...as some background...I have been trying for a yr & a half now (a little over actually) and i started with the not ovulating and irregular cycles. my gyno put me on clomid to induce Ovulation. well, it worked once. then i got referred to the specialist....they diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on metformin. So.....few months later here we are. Taking met with Clomid.

I went to the RE (specialist) today for a sonogram for my follicle reading thingy. They said that my lining (which I assume to be my uteral lining) was at 10 which they said was good. They looked at my follicles and said that anything between 18 & 25 is good. I had two on my left side at 20 & 18 (with two others at 16 & 14) then on my right side one at 20 & one at 18!

Woooohoooo!! So they gave me a HCG trigger shot to bring on ovulation. They said there is a possibility of multiples with the follicles being that good. Soooooo....I guess we wait and see.

Only drawback is Jeremy is at work tonight so I won't be able to get him to do anything tonight. LOL. But we did yesterday and will again tomorrow, so I think we will be ok.....


Anyway, just wanted to share my excitement!! Maybe my wait is finally over....

I Love my husband!

I know that whole last post was sad and depressing....but I think Jeremy picked up on my saddness and worry-some nature. He got home and was soooo loving and attentive that it just put me over the moon. We were having a moment *ahem* and i was giving him a massage. He asked why I didn't do it more often....I said that I should. I told him that I would do that more often if he would tell me that I was pretty more often. He said that he should. How wonderful. And today...he still just as happy and loving as he was yesterday. I am sure this will wear off sometime...but for right now, it is WONDERFUL!

And I just have to say.....

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!

I need therapy, I think.

I have extremely low self esteem. I have a complex about myself. I don't know where it came from or how I developed it....but it is there. I loathe myself. Loathe---strong word, right? But I do. I like my hair....and my feet. I like that I have a sprinkle of a few freckles on my nose. But that's about it. I think I am fat & ugly & stupid.

I wonder how my husband views me. (or anyone for that matter...but his opinion about me really matters the most to me.) I wonder if he thinks I am pretty....or beautiful...or hot. I know I am not...but I wonder if he thinks so. I know the type of women that he thinks are hot....and I don't really think I hold a candle to them. So why does he stay with me? I mean, I know that it isn't all about looks, but I am by far not the greatest wife on the planet. I have some good points...and I can be on the relatively cool side (I LOVE poker and football for example) but I think he could do better. I think he deserves better. I wonder if I could BE better....for him. But I don't know where to start. I have so many faults that it seems like a really daunting task to make me better.

I have deep fears and worries that I am going to lose him. Or that he will cheat on me. He is very good about holding things close to him. I wonder if he would tell me if he did cheat on me? I hope that he would. I would want to know. Even though it would hurt me...I would want to know. I don't understand where these trust issues come from. As far as I know, he has never done anything to make me not trust him. And I know it all stems back to my self esteem. Why is it so low? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I feel like such a failure and dissapointment to everyone in my life? Where does it come from?

I was raised in a great, loving, caring home. My parents didn't beat me, nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood. And yet there are feelings inside of me that aren't normal. Self hatred, self repulsiveness...you name it--I probably feel it.

I am on an emotional roller coaster right now (husband is out of town & i am on some medicine that really messes with my hormones. lol)....so all this babbling (while totally valid and true) can be blamed on that. I know that Jeremy will read this (if he does) and either a) get annoyed because of my feelings or b) think i am stupid for feeling this way.

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that my husband loves me. Not many guys will be the first to tell his wife that he loves her on the phone or around people...before she says it. And around his guy friends, to boot. I cherish that. I remind myself every day that no matter what fears I have, I KNOW that he loves me. No matter what else he feels about me, I don't doubt the love. Not for a moment.

There are so many things about Jeremy that I love & cherish. I love that he kisses me on the forehead. He has always done that....and it makes me feel so special. I love that he comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. I even love when he gropes me. (And yes, Jeremy, I DO love it. I may act annoyed-and sometimes I am- but I LOVE that you do that...makes me feel wanted.) I love how he does things for me without asking or being told. I love his ambition and his drive. I love his voice. I love the way he loves the dogs. I could go on & on.

I wonder what he loves about me. I wish he would tell me. I wish he would be a little more romantic. (lol) I wish that he would tell me every once and awhile that I was pretty, without me asking if he thinks I am. (I don't ask for him to tell me I am beautiful or hot...I don't believe it...) I just wish he would tell me something about the way he sees me or thinks about me. (In a positive way...not that he worries about my health or my weight or anything...I know all that...) I wish I could get a read on him about what he thinks about having kids. He seems to go back & forth. I know it would be nice if we could pay off bills & buy a house before we have kids....but we are 25. I don't want to wait much longer. I am petrified now that I won't be able to have his children, but by waiting longer....the reality of that fear could be true. But that is a whole story in and of itself. Not just another story, but another fear. I hope he is happy.

A friend & I were talking about relationships & marriages today. She was saying that she doesn't understand women who feel that without their husbands they are nothing. That they can't function or support themselves. I am that woman. I could not survive without my husband. I tried explaining to her (through tears. lol) that it isn't as though I NEED him to survive or that he makes me who I am....but he, for lack of a better term, completes me. I know, I know...corny. But it is true. I am who I am--to a certain point. He completes that person. He adds aspects of me to myself and my life that without him I would not have. (Does that make ANY sense?) So while technically, I think I would be ok without him....I don't want to test that theory. I don't want to think about it cause doing so scares the bejeebies out of me. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't think my friend understood what I was saying....but to me....it makes sense. Jeremy & I make sense. We are who we are....but we are it together. I hope that he looks at our relationship in the same light. I hope that he would feel he was losing a piece of him, a piece of his soul & heart if I was gone.

So see....I need therapy. Lots of issues.

Jeremy, if you read this....I love you with all my heart & soul & everything that I am. I don't doubt you or your love for me. Please don't get angry or annoyed at what I have said...just writing makes me feel better. I know that talking to about it to you gets old-so getting it out here makes me feel a little better. I know that you nor anyone else really understands my feelings. But if you take ANYTHING away from this entry, let it be this: I wish you would share you feelings & thoughts a little more often. Clue me in on a little piece of you. (I know you aren't really a sharing guy and that is fine...just letting you know it would be great if you could. If that makes any sense. lol) I wish you would tell me that I was pretty--at least once in a great while. Or that I look good in something. You used to. I miss that. But most importantly....take this with you. And never, ever, ever forget it. I LOVE YOU! I love you for you...I love you for what you are to me and what you make me. I love you more than life itself and if I had to choose losing you over dying...it would be the latter for sure. Morbid, I know--but you love that about me. Right?

I love you, my love. With every breath that is in me. With every beat of my heart and blink of my eye. Every day that passes that love grows stronger and deeper. I hope that you know that....and I hope the feeling is mutual.

Worst Week Ever

Well, this is officially the worst week of my life....and I still have 2 days left!!

Jeremy is out of town this week. He is down in Louisiana visiting his dad. I hate, hate, HATE him being gone! I talk to him and I cry. I usually wait until we hang up, but I cry EVERY time! Ugh...Sunday can't get here soon enough!!

Well enough of my sob story. I just want my husband to come home. I am nothing without him.

So sad....

Jeremy is leaving town on Monday (and he has to work tomorrow). He is going to Louisiana to visit his dad & go hunting. I am glad that he gets to do this (he has wanted to for a few years)--but I hate being away from him for a week. I know I know....5 days isn't long...but right now, it seems like an eternity! I hope the week goes by fast. Good news is that my mom will be here with me, so I won't be totally alone.

So sad....don't want him to go. Oh well.

A little bit of me

I am...

angry, posessive, jealous, mean, tired, broke, faithful, trusting, door mat, reliable, friendly, outgoing, shy, willing, daring, rebellious, thoughtful, pondering, loving, caring, annoyed, ugly, fat, lazy, dreamer, chatterer, talker, lover, friend, sister, daughter, wife, needy, fearful, creative, fun, scared, shopper, baker, unhappy, smart, dumb, airhead, flirt, sad, unrealistic, optimistic & a sinner.

To my friends who have blogs...

I feel so loved that people leave me comments and are so sweet and loving to me. I know that I do not always leave comments on your site, but I want you to know that I read it EVERY day! I mean it....I look EVERY day to see if they are updated. I love having a little peek into the window of your lives. You entertain me...make me laugh, make me cry...everything. I am so lucky to know you and call you my friends.

Which Disney Princess am I?

You Are Snow White!

Pure and trusting. You are a gentle soul who can get along with just about anyone. Everyone you meet instantly falls in love with you. How can they resist? You have a pure, lovable nature that's irresistable. Just don't trust everyone who comes across your path.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Sometimes it gets to be too much

Wow...has it really been almost a week since I last made an entry? Bad Caryn. lol.

Well, I went this week and got my shot of progesterone. To bring on my period. Fun stuff. PCOS sucks. So, now I wait for my period to start and then get Clomid. Hopefully this will make me ovulate and then I could possibly get pregnant. That would be awesome. However, I realized today (mind you, this is 4 days after getting the painful shot that still hurts like a bitch) that during the time I could be ovulating, Jeremy will be out of town. Maybe...unless I ovulate later...which would be good. Bad planning. It seems like after a year and half (well a year & 7 months to be exact) it just gets to be too much. Like I am destined to never be a parent. Maybe I should just start to accept that and move on.