Don't worry about me

I love my family. I really really do. They are great and caring and loving and concerned.....just wonderful! So let me take this opportunity to tell those family members that there is NOTHING wrong with me!!! :)

I am not depressed or sad or down or upset or anything of the sort. I am still my happy, upbeat self. But occasionally I have thoughts that I just need to get out. This is an online diary....I have never been good at keeping a real journal, but doing an online one has been much easier on me. I love being able to get all my thoughts out in writing. It is very cathartic and actually heals my heart and head. And I love to write.

So if you log on here or happen by the site as you are browsing or just killing time....don't worry if you read a seemingly depressing post. I promise you that I am ok. If I am not, I will tell you...you won't have to read it in my blog to find out about something upsetting. You know I am not one to really keep secrets. Ha ha.

I love your caring nature and your worry's about me....but don't worry yourself over me. I promise you will know if something is really wrong. So if you read something that seems upsetting or troublesome, just remember that I am just writing. Half the things I write, I don't think about. I start out with an idea and my fingers just keep going with it. I don't think...I just write. When I am writing on here, I just.....am. Does that make sense? My fingers write the story that is my life without requiring a lot of thought from me. And I have no apologies about that. My writings are reflections of different parts of me. The different facats make up who I am and makes me whole. I am blessed with the ability to write and get my thoughts out on "paper". Even if they are dark or distrubing....they are just thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a moment in time in which something struck me as awful or sad or depressing and I felt the need to get it out.

I appreciate you all reading my blog and caring so much about me that you take time out of your life to read a bit about mine. But don't worry about me....I am good. I am happy. I have a good life. A wonderful husband and good job....and one day I will be able to be a mother and enlighten myself in that aspect of happiness. And when that happens, not only will I experience that level of happiness, but I will also be able to bless each of you with another family member that will enrich your life as well. I know you all are looking forward to having a grandchild or niece/nephew. You will get it one day, I hope. The last thing I want to do is let you down in that area, too. (And yes, I mean too. I feel like I have been a let-down or failure in many aspects of our lives together. Not being the best sister or daughter that I could have been. I realize I could have done many many things better, and that is something I think about all the time.....but that is neither here nor there right now. That is a blog subject for another date & time. ha ha ha)

Mom- You are such a wise woman....a true hero in many more ways than you will ever realize. Patient and kind....so many words could be said yet none quite capture the true essence that is you. You inspire me.

Dad- Never have I seen a man with such passion for God. You will never cease to amaze me with your faith. If I had one ounce of the faith that you have, I would consider myself the luckiest person. No matter how old I get, I will never lose the 'little girl' complex that I have. You will forever be my Daddy and I love you so so much.

Philip- Wow...was I a crappy big sister, or what? I was so so mean and hateful to you...and for what? No reason....I loved you very much and never took the time to tell you or show you. I don't know why... Looking back I can't imagine what I would have done if something had ever happened to you. I would have never ever forgiven myself for treating you so badly. I hold you so close to my heart now. I hope you know that I love you very much and that if I could take back every hurtful thing that I said and did...I would do it in a heartbeat. I am glad that we have become the friends that we have. I consider you one of my best friends and I never imagined that we would get to this point, but I am so so glad we did. You are one half of the greatest brother duo in the world. I treasure you and our friendship that I know will only deepen as we get older.

JD- Baby brother. Where to even start. I can just repeat everything I said to Philip to you...as it all feels the same. I never meant to hurt you when we were growing up. I remember doing or saying something mean and as I would walk away, I could hear you cry. Those tears still haunt me. I don't know why I was the way I was. But I deeply regret everything. I hope that you can forgive me for being so rotten. You are the best baby brother and the second half of the greatest brother duo in the world. As with Philip, I love the relationship that we have acquired in the last few years. You are amazing. The friendship that we have attained is great and so fun! I love you very much!!

I just wanted to give each of you a little shout out and lay out some individual thoughts about each of you. Didn't want to be depressing or a downer....but wanted to let you know what I am feeling at this point in time. I love each and every one of you in different ways and yet strangely similar. You all mean the world to me and I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for you. You each enriched my life and different ways that formed the Caryn that is before you now.

So with my heart open and the vulnerability showing, please take my writing as is. Read nothing more behind it...there is no depression or sadness. I can't say there aren't tears or frustration, but this is my outlet. My venting is nothing more than an airing out of my thoughts. And it is mainly going to be mindless rambles. I hope you enjoy getting a glimpse into my thoughts and life....I know we are all so far apart now and don't keep in touch nearly as much as we would like to. So here is your chance to keep up with me...a little bit at a time. Of course what you will get here is a little more raw and up front than what I would say to you on the phone....but its still me.

Ok ok....I am not gonna keep going on this. Please just know that I am doing fine, I don't have any problems and if I did...you would know about it. I promise!!! I love each of you more than you will ever ever know!!!

And on the lighter side of things...to give you a quick update on whats going on in Caryns World (and that's the real Caryns world....not the one that you all tease me about with CareBears, etc. ha ha)

Harley brought a dead mouse into the house this past week. It was really disgusting. It was dead and stiff and she just carried it around in her mouth like it was a chew toy. And it was HUGE!! Come to think of it...maybe it was a rat. Ew!!! I put her back outside with it still in her mouth...she dropped it and I had to throw it behind the garage. I know, amazing that I touched it. Well, I had a rubber glove on...but I would have had Jeremy do it, but he was at work. Of course.

I cut my eyelid this week also. I was scratching it and must have had a hangnail or something because there was a small little cut on the crease. And of course it is all swollen and painful now. Fun stuff.

That's about it.. Oh, I have an interview for a management position next Wed. I hope I get it cause I know I would be really good at it and am qualified for the position, but if I don't get it, I am ok with that too. Just say a quick prayer for me that no matter what the result, it all goes ok.

And that's my life right now. Not fun or exciting, just same old same old. :)

I love you all.