I have extremely low self esteem. I have a complex about myself. I don't know where it came from or how I developed it....but it is there. I loathe myself. Loathe---strong word, right? But I do. I like my hair....and my feet. I like that I have a sprinkle of a few freckles on my nose. But that's about it. I think I am fat & ugly & stupid.
I wonder how my husband views me. (or anyone for that matter...but his opinion about me really matters the most to me.) I wonder if he thinks I am pretty....or beautiful...or hot. I know I am not...but I wonder if he thinks so. I know the type of women that he thinks are hot....and I don't really think I hold a candle to them. So why does he stay with me? I mean, I know that it isn't all about looks, but I am by far not the greatest wife on the planet. I have some good points...and I can be on the relatively cool side (I LOVE poker and football for example) but I think he could do better. I think he deserves better. I wonder if I could BE better....for him. But I don't know where to start. I have so many faults that it seems like a really daunting task to make me better.
I have deep fears and worries that I am going to lose him. Or that he will cheat on me. He is very good about holding things close to him. I wonder if he would tell me if he did cheat on me? I hope that he would. I would want to know. Even though it would hurt me...I would want to know. I don't understand where these trust issues come from. As far as I know, he has never done anything to make me not trust him. And I know it all stems back to my self esteem. Why is it so low? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I feel like such a failure and dissapointment to everyone in my life? Where does it come from?
I was raised in a great, loving, caring home. My parents didn't beat me, nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood. And yet there are feelings inside of me that aren't normal. Self hatred, self repulsiveness...you name it--I probably feel it.
I am on an emotional roller coaster right now (husband is out of town & i am on some medicine that really messes with my hormones. lol)....so all this babbling (while totally valid and true) can be blamed on that. I know that Jeremy will read this (if he does) and either a) get annoyed because of my feelings or b) think i am stupid for feeling this way.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that my husband loves me. Not many guys will be the first to tell his wife that he loves her on the phone or around people...before she says it. And around his guy friends, to boot. I cherish that. I remind myself every day that no matter what fears I have, I KNOW that he loves me. No matter what else he feels about me, I don't doubt the love. Not for a moment.
There are so many things about Jeremy that I love & cherish. I love that he kisses me on the forehead. He has always done that....and it makes me feel so special. I love that he comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. I even love when he gropes me. (And yes, Jeremy, I DO love it. I may act annoyed-and sometimes I am- but I LOVE that you do that...makes me feel wanted.) I love how he does things for me without asking or being told. I love his ambition and his drive. I love his voice. I love the way he loves the dogs. I could go on & on.
I wonder what he loves about me. I wish he would tell me. I wish he would be a little more romantic. (lol) I wish that he would tell me every once and awhile that I was pretty, without me asking if he thinks I am. (I don't ask for him to tell me I am beautiful or hot...I don't believe it...) I just wish he would tell me something about the way he sees me or thinks about me. (In a positive way...not that he worries about my health or my weight or anything...I know all that...) I wish I could get a read on him about what he thinks about having kids. He seems to go back & forth. I know it would be nice if we could pay off bills & buy a house before we have kids....but we are 25. I don't want to wait much longer. I am petrified now that I won't be able to have his children, but by waiting longer....the reality of that fear could be true. But that is a whole story in and of itself. Not just another story, but another fear. I hope he is happy.
A friend & I were talking about relationships & marriages today. She was saying that she doesn't understand women who feel that without their husbands they are nothing. That they can't function or support themselves. I am that woman. I could not survive without my husband. I tried explaining to her (through tears. lol) that it isn't as though I NEED him to survive or that he makes me who I am....but he, for lack of a better term, completes me. I know, I know...corny. But it is true. I am who I am--to a certain point. He completes that person. He adds aspects of me to myself and my life that without him I would not have. (Does that make ANY sense?) So while technically, I think I would be ok without him....I don't want to test that theory. I don't want to think about it cause doing so scares the bejeebies out of me. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't think my friend understood what I was saying....but to me....it makes sense. Jeremy & I make sense. We are who we are....but we are it together. I hope that he looks at our relationship in the same light. I hope that he would feel he was losing a piece of him, a piece of his soul & heart if I was gone.
So see....I need therapy. Lots of issues.
Jeremy, if you read this....I love you with all my heart & soul & everything that I am. I don't doubt you or your love for me. Please don't get angry or annoyed at what I have said...just writing makes me feel better. I know that talking to about it to you gets old-so getting it out here makes me feel a little better. I know that you nor anyone else really understands my feelings. But if you take ANYTHING away from this entry, let it be this: I wish you would share you feelings & thoughts a little more often. Clue me in on a little piece of you. (I know you aren't really a sharing guy and that is fine...just letting you know it would be great if you could. If that makes any sense. lol) I wish you would tell me that I was pretty--at least once in a great while. Or that I look good in something. You used to. I miss that. But most importantly....take this with you. And never, ever, ever forget it. I LOVE YOU! I love you for you...I love you for what you are to me and what you make me. I love you more than life itself and if I had to choose losing you over dying...it would be the latter for sure. Morbid, I know--but you love that about me. Right?
I love you, my love. With every breath that is in me. With every beat of my heart and blink of my eye. Every day that passes that love grows stronger and deeper. I hope that you know that....and I hope the feeling is mutual.
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3 comments:
Holy Crap Carn!
YOu looked right inside my heart soul and mind and told Jeremy everything I long for my hubby to hear.
(((hugs)))
and smooches. ;o)
-J
me too, kind of.....I think H has told me once that I look good! I learned a big lesson from the failure of my first marriage when eh told me after he left that he had never hated me or the way I looked but he truly hated the way I loathed myself, it wore him down.
Is Jeremy the perfect man ? every physical thing you ever dreamed of in a man? I bet he isn't but you love the very bones of him, he is perfect and you wouldn't change him? We have to learn that men are as capable of loving us, even if we're not a super model or flawless as we are of loving them, warts and all. I remember looking at H onemoring at 2am, he was sitting with Seth, in a ripped T-shirt, baggy shorts and droopy holey socks, my whole being leapt with love for him, big old belly and all....in that instant I knew that it was absolutely possible that he could look at ME and feel the same, even if my hair was a mess and I am overweight.
The best gift you could give Jeremy is not to become perfect but to gain confidence and a belief that you are just what he wants...or why did he marry you? Believe that he loves you, don't woory about him cheating or leaving
you, even being without him because the truth is, if it happens it happens and you would live, you would cope, you would get over it but it HASN'T happened and so much energy can be wasted in worrying about things you can't change.
I'm so sorry to preach to you but I have been through pretty much every crappy sitauation life can throw at us and the lesson is....only worry about what you CAN change! Apart from that grab it by the horns and enjoy the hell out of it! Much love, Helen.
Thanks Helen!!! You are an absolute gem! I never thought about it the way you said. If I look at him and love him no matter what he looks like or is doing..maybe he does the same to me. Thank you helen for your little insights and advice. I really appreciate it!!
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