Gone but not forgotten

No, I am not writing about the events on 9/11. Today is still 9/10. And today is Grandparent's Day. In the last year & a half, I have lost all 4 grandparents. It is a strange feeling to actually REMEMBER that today is Grandparent's Day, but not have anyone to call. No Nana to tell that you love her. No Papa to hug tightly. They are gone. Their memory & their love will live on forever, but it just isn't the same.

Looking back, I realize that I was an awful grandaughter. I didn't call them enough, didn't write. I was lucky if I remembered their birthdays. I didn't deserve their love, though I hope they knew that I loved them with all my heart. With no calls, no letters...they were never far from my thoughts. Anytime I would make chocolate chip cookies or see As the World Turns, I immediately thought of my dear Nana. Whenever I heard someone whistling or saw something on the Air Force...my Papa was at the forefront of my mind. I have pictures of them in my house. I can't bear to look at them now. The song that was played at Nana's funeral is on my mp3 player. It will play at work and it is all I can do to not break down in tears right there at my desk.

Today was a good day...made some treats for the guys at the fire station. It was raining--and I LOVE rain! I head out to run a few errands and at the end of the street is a cemetary. I look over and there is a family huddled under an umbrella standing over a grave. It suddenly dawns on me that today is Grandparent's Day and I have no grandparents. I don't even have a grave close to me to stand over. I immediately broke down into tears.

It breaks my heart that they are gone. They lived a full and wonderful life. They loved each other and their family so so much. Its funny cause people always say that you never want to see a person when they die cause that will be the last image that you have of them in your mind. While this is true...when I think of Papa, my mind does not immediately think of him in his bed after he took his last shred of breath. It immediately jumps to Nana trying to close his mouth so she can kiss him one more time. It remembers the incredible hugs that he used to give me all the time. He would whisper in my ear how glad he was to see me and that he loved me. I wish I could have seen him more. I wish I could have just one more hug. "Good Morning, Sunshine" will never have the same ring as it did when he would say it. And Nana. Oh my Nana. I will never tell anyone at their dinner table that I don't like something. They might give me a second helping. I credit her for my addiction to Soap Operas. And for my love of baking.

I miss them loads. I know they are in Heaven smiling down on me and telling me that they know that I love them. But I hope they knew when they were here. When they were alive. They influenced so much of my life...so much of my being. Life won't be the same without them around.

To my wonderful Grandparents who are lucky enough to be in a better place: Please know that you were truly the beacon of light in this family. No one would be who they are without you. Know that I love you with every fiber of my being & that I am sorry for not showing it more while you were with us. Please guide us as we carry on through life without you. Continue to show us the way in God & life. You are missed and You are loved.