I guess that's all I can say. It isn't my time to be a mother. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Its been two long years of trying and hoping, wishing & praying...to no avail. My heart breaks a little each and every time it doesn't work. It's so hard to just keep trying and trying. At what point do you just say no more? When your heart is completely shattered from all the heartbreak? I just don't know. I am so confused and lost and hurt and....sad. Extremely sad.
My daddy called me tonight when he found out about it. And he said to me "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." I want to have that feeling! I want a child to make my life complete and to make me happy. Surface happiness can only take me so far, deep down I feel hollow. Hollow because there is something that I want so badly and have no way to obtain it. How does one get past that? I hope & wait & pray.....heck, I have legions of people across the country praying for me...and still it doesn't happen. Why, God, why????
God, why can't this happen for me? It keeps happening all around me to other people and here I am yearning for it so badly, but yet nothing happens. Is this your plan for me? To be barron and childless? Is this some lesson that I have to learn? Well, why me? Why can't someone else learn this lesson? Why can't this be the path for someone else's life? I just don't understand!!!
I am not mad at God. I know he has some plan....I am just extremely frustrated and sad. I sit here typing all this bawling my eyes out. For what once seemed like a sure future for me (ie.being a wife & mother) that dream, that vision is slowly fading into the distance. I can't see it, I can't grasp it. My whole future, my whole being is questionable now, for the one thing that I wanted most in life isn't happening for me. I just don't understand.
I wish someone could make me understand. I wish someone could take this pain & heartache away.
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Mumbo-jumbo, mindless ramblings, and just a little bit about me.
3 comments:
I'm sorry sweetie.
I don't have any words.
I am so sorry.
Hey Caryn! How are you?? I'm doing good. I think JD and I are going to stop by and see you when we are driving back to MO from OK.. like April 2nd I believe!! So yeah I am SO excited about that!! Because I miss you!! Oh - I saw that you text JD today and asked where I got a job. I got a job at Movie Gallery - the same one where Amanda works. I'm going to start after break. I'm excited for that too. It's been awhile since i've had a job! :) okay well i just wanted to say hi and check in on you!! i love you! KC
I just came across your blog (I'm a BZ'er too).
This entry really touched me as I swear you took most of the words right out of my mouth. We've been trying for 2.5 years now for our second child to no avail. (The first one took a long time too). Today I have been feeling especially down and out about it, hopeless and angry. It was comforting to read a post and know that I'm not the only one out there.
I realize that you wrote this entry a few months ago. If you haven't conceived yet, don't give up that you will soon. Hope is important, even though some days it seems so hard to find.
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